Thursday, January 9, 2014

Apologizing to my son

For some reason, this past weekend going into Monday, my son was "not himself".  I know he's 9 months old and every day is different with him, but something was noticeably off.  He is sleeping well, although waking up with goop in his eyes (been clear since Tuesday so cross fingers there) and napping fine too.  But eating...oh the eating.  He will take solids ok (we're still into purees) but the bottle was a nightmare.  He usually eats 5 bottles (6 oz) a piece a day.  By 3 pm, he usually is eating his 3 bottle or napping and will stock up with 2 bottles in a 3 hours before bed. 

I don't know if it was his stopped up nose bothering him or slight cold, but he would act hungry (open mouth, be cranky), insert bottle, then immediately turn away disgusted.  This would go on for about an hour until that bottle was finished or we could at least 4 oz in him.  Same bottles, same formula, same temp.  Tried new of all of those and no difference.  Obviously, something was bothering him.  So, obviously, it all started to bother me.  I like to think of myself as the one who can keep it all together, although I rarely do.  Nathan was quickly losing patience and rightfully so, but I would continually offer to try to feed him b/c after all, I'm the mom and should be able to handle it with ease.  At one point Saturday night, he just started randomly screaming and was inconsolable.  And wouldn't eat.  Nathan kept trying to give him his last bottle and he just wouldn't have it, but we knew he was hungry.  Plus for us, we don't want any middle of the night feedings.  So there I was, holding Liam as he writhed with anger, taking two sips than spitting it out.  I finally got him to drink it after holding him up in the middle of the air, higher than my lap and saying "shssh, shssh, shssh," over and over again for 25 min.  I felt accomplished, but exhausted.

Cue Sunday.  Same story with bottle feeding.  I went to feed him at lunch and got angry.  Very angry.  I even said to him, "Liam, I'm not doing this again."  I even started crying in one of those mommy moments.  Thinking, I can't do this.  I was so angry with my son.  I stopped and prayed for patience, thinking it wouldn't come.  Liam finally took the bottle and fell asleep in my arms.  Finally, the calm.  As I laid him down to nap, with his head rested on my shoulder, I told him I was sorry.  I was so sorry I turned quickly to frustration and anger with the just the slightest hiccup.  I asked my sleeping 9 month old for forgiveness and had a foreshadowing moment of the times when he does understand the things I do wrong and mess up.  It won't be the last time I ask for forgiveness from him, although I wish I was better at being a parent, I am still learning.  I will always be learning and I will always sin.  I pray as he grows, he learns what it means to mess up and how to ask Jesus into his heart to cover that sin.  I pray he always forgives and offers grace where he can. 

Friends, don't ever be too proud to ask your kids for forgiveness, no matter their age.  And always hug them and read them a book =)

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