Run 4 One: Liam's first 2 weeks

Liam

Week 1 & 2

Liam Phillip Tobin entered our world at 9:21 am on March 24^th, 2013 (birth story to come). The first two weeks have been an absolute blur. I actually cannot believe we made it this far. There are so many emotions and hormones going crazy from me through all this. Let’s start with the first week….

Sunday – Liam was born in a record snow storm in St. Louis. My mom came down and my brother and sister in law drove down to meet our little man. Needless to say, it took them over 3 hours to get back home. We adjusted quite well in the hospital. It took him awhile to latch on but eventually he got it although I wasn’t producing anything at this point. Nathan changed his first diaper ever and we literally just rested!

Monday – Day 2 in the hospital. Liam woke every 3 or so hours, didn’t cry much and started to get the latch thing down as my colustrum came in. Our friend Mary came and sat with me in the hospital while Nathan grabbed a shower at home and cleaned up before we would arrive Tuesday. Liam got his circumcision and hearing test taken which Nathan was wanting to see, but all checked out ok. When he came back, we had our first moment together as we mourned the loss of his mom and my dad, who would never know this perfect little man. It was the first time that the emotions hit me that we had a baby now. It helped that nurses kept checking on us and waking us/waking him to eat.

Tuesday – Time to go home! We waited all day to get to checkout and my mommy really kicked in when we got him all suited up in the car seat and then had to get him back out (not his favorite) to get a PKU test done. Why the nurses didn’t know before then that he hadn’t had it is beyond me. When the nurse made him bleed and he screamed, I lost it! How could they be hurting my boy!? Then, we headed home. Mom and Jessie were down to help us get situated and they took off and it was just the 3 of us. He peed on Nathan as soon as they left…of course! Then, we just laid in bed and looked at each other…thankful we were here.

Tuesday night was a nightmare though! Liam was up every hour and half “hungry” even though I had just nursed him. At several feedings, he just fell asleep in bed with us, which I’m not a huge fan of but he did none the less. He was still peeing and having green, seedy diapers at this point.


Going home!

Wednesday – Friday – We had some time to ourselves Wednesday and again, I was nursing every 3-4 hours as he woke. Jessie came down to help with him and Liam got his first adjustment on Wednesday! It was really cool seeing him remain calm through the whole thing. Ryan, Nancy and Lincoln came down Thursday to finally meet him and helped us with our first bath. Of course, I cried through the whole thing. I had several meltdowns of “how was I going to do this alone” once Nathan returned to work. We had had help the entire time…how was I going to manage?! I was so nervous and scared. Nancy stayed up with me Thursday night and her and I were up most of the night, feeding and changing him. Friday came and we finally made it outside to Target with him. I was running around like a chicken in that store, hoping he didn’t wake or start screaming. He did wonderful and we got tons of supplies. Pops also came down to visit Liam and we got some great pics.


First trip to Target

Saturday – Mom stayed with us after a visit from Tim, Jess and Leah. He started having fewer poopy diapers but still pees. At this point, he was peeing on tons of things…the wall, Nathan, my hand, his outfits, you name it!

Easter Sunday – I debated about taking him to church so soon but I really wanted to go. So I nursed him around 6 and then took off at 7:15 for the first service. He loved the music! Just kept looking around and listening. He perked up when the sermon started so I went to Nathan’s office and all was well. He fell asleep and we got a good family pic as friends got to meet him for the first time.

Week 2 – Here is when it all started going downhill.

Monday – We had our 1 week check up at the Pediatrician’s office. She said he looked jaundice and thought his collarbone was broken. So we were going to be sent to get bloodwork and an X-ray…again, not on our schedule for the day. And then he was weighed….only 7 lbs 9 oz. Boy had lost a ton of weight. If he did not put on weight by Wednesday, we needed to supplement 1 oz of formula after each feeding, which I did not want to do. So we headed out for the lab, they sent us to another lab, then they sent us back to get the X-ray. I bawled when he got stuck for the jaundice test which was an 11 and anything over a 20 would require photo therapy so were good there. By the time we got the X-ray, it was time to eat again so I fed him while we waited. My first public nursing experience! X-ray came back negative for a fracture which was good.

My in-laws made the long trip from Minnesota to meet Liam and getting to see them was awesome after my family left. They left Tuesday for South Carolina to see my sister in law graduate from Boot camp and then would return Saturday.


Grandma Janet

Tuesday – Wednesday – Liam started eating for like 3 hours straight and was still screaming. I knew something wasn’t “right” about that. Everyone kept telling me to just hang in there and let him nurse. He was going through a growth spurt and it would all even out soon. But call it instinct or whatever, I knew something wasn’t right. Back to the ped on Wednesday and he still weighed 7 lbs 9 oz. We went to the lactation nurse at the hospital and of course, he fed well there and passed out so we thought, hey, success! She called our doctors and they agreed to let us go until Friday without supplementing formula to see if he could gain. We all headed to get adjusted as a family and came home and had the worst feeding session ever. I tried feeding him for 3 hours and no success. He was not getting what he needed and I knew it. So I caved and gave him formula. Needless to say, he exploded with poop a few hours later but I was thankful it was moving through his system. At this point, he was having fewer wet diapers and almost no poopy ones.

Thursday – I had been talking to many moms and doing my own research and I was figuring out we needed different professional help. I went to a special lactation specialist on Thursday and my mom came down for it and we finally got some answers. #1 – Liam was not swallowing correctly and was actually not getting anything at all. He was literally just sucking and passing time. And wasting calories. #2 – My breasts are set far apart and the space between them is sometimes an indicator of having low glandular tissue, which means I may never be able to produce enough for him. #3 – She suspects he has tongue tied which inhibits him from using his tongue the right way. He gained no weight after the feeding and then wouldn’t take a bottle. I was so worried for him. He seemed like he was wasting away. Also, he can almost roll over which is not normal for his age and she recommended something called cranial sacral therapy which is just light touch massage to help him to learn how to swallow as well. All I’m seeing is dollar signs at this point but my baby needs to eat and put on weight. I left there with an idea of a plan for him and steps to take. I rented a hospital grade pump from her and have been pumping every 3 hours to up my supply if I have one at all. A friend of ours was willing to donate some breastmilk to get us started so I stopped and picked that up and headed home. Mom and I gave him a bath as he hadn’t had one in a week (I’m a great mom I know). We then were finally successful in giving him a bottle and started alternating breastmilk and formula.

Friday – We went back to the pediatrician to get weighed. At 6 pm at the lactation lady, he was 7 lbs 8 oz and at 10 am Friday morning, he was up to 7 lbs 15 oz. Boy gained 6 oz overnight! Well, if mommy hadn’t deprived you for a week?! I felt like the worst mom. Not only had I starved him, I could not provide for him the way I had envisioned. I made an appt with a specialist in MO for his tongue tie on Monday afternoon and cranial sacral therapy on Tuesday. The tongue tie should help him swallow and latch better but again, it will be over $500. There is no amount of money I wouldn’t spend on my child, but it still bothers me that we couldn’t just slip right into breast feeding. But boy did Liam start eating. He was getting 2-3 oz every 2-3 hours and starting to perk up. We go back Wednesday to get re-weighed so I’m hoping my little plumper will “plump” back up. He had 2 big poops Friday at 11 am and around 11 pm which I’m hoping increase. But again, he hasn’t had anything to get out of him in a week!

Saturday – My in-laws returned and were able to help us during the day and allow me to get out of the house. It’s weird how everything looks different now. Shopping feels different. I have no idea what normal is or what I’m doing, but I’m getting through each day.

Sunday – We made it to church again. I learned to eat with my left hand and shower with him in the vibrator chair. Nathan had a bunch of errands so we were alone most of the day, but we still made it out for a walk/run. I jogged “a little”…like 10 seconds, which felt awesome, but still don’t want to push it. I’ve got 5 more pounds before my pre pregnancy weight but actually, I’d trade 100lbs to be able to breastfeed L.

My emotions have run crazy these past two weeks. They really are a blur. There have been so many “what do we do” moments. We’ve both cried and Liam has too =) I have felt such a closeness with Nathan that it’s been great to do this with him. But he and I have both had our moments when we didn’t want to do this anymore. Can we give him back? I didn’t and am still struggling with the bond with him. I love him so much, but it’s still so foreign to me to be a mom. I am doubting my confidence and my ability. And I am angry with God for making me this way; unable to produce milk for him. I miss that bonding experience already. I’m so overwhelmed by the support I have received from family, friends, especially those that will just come sit with me and my mom who has gone above and beyond what any other human could ever do for me. I’ve also been overwhelmed by awesome moms who have donated breastmilk to me, because they know the importance that it has for babies. I just wish it was my breastmilk for him. There have been many, many tears these last 2 weeks. Can I do this? Do I want to do this? Does he even feel comfort by me? I don’t want to miss this stage of life, but I am looking forward to when I can get out for a few minutes each day and get back to some sort of routine. I do miss my old life at times. The simplicity of it all. But God has entrusted us with this little man and I will do anything for him. Please pray for us as we are still finding our way and Liam is adjusting as are we.

Update – We had his tongue tie procedure on Monday and he was up to 8lbs 4oz =) And I’m sure he hates the stretches we have to do to get his tongue to heal, but it’s helping him in the long run. Oh, and that woman told me if I formula fed, he would get leukemia. Thanks! At the end of the day, God will not care if formula feed him or if I breastfeed him. He will care that I raised him to know Jesus and provided everything I could for him.

And a week after he was 7 lbs 9 oz, he went up to 8 lbs 13 oz. Back to birth weight! Wow, we finally fed the boy =)