I've been dreading this post for a few weeks. And somehow it seems it catches up with me each year. The days get cooler, the leaves start to fall, football is back on TV. The perfect time of year. A time of year my dad absolutely loved. September 26th comes and goes each year, but it is a day that will forever stand still for me.
It's been 4 years since we lost my dad to lung cancer. This year, these last few days, have been so challenging. I'm not sure what exactly has changed other than we keep getting further and further from the time he was here. It hurts at times to look at my son, knowing that some day sooner than I would want, I will have to explain to him why his grandpa isn't here. He will learn way too young that people are taken from us way too soon.
The joys we have are just reminders of what we've lost. Sure, sure, count my blessings. Some people have it worse. And on and on it goes. When you lose someone, though, that pain lingers and rears its' ugly head when you least expect it. I was sitting in my office today and abruptly started crying and had a hard time catching my breath. Grief is a beast. It comes and it goes without welcome and leaves a trail behind it. It stirs up our lives and wrecks our happiness. It takes all our energy, focus, effort, and ability to do, well, anything.
Not much has brought me comfort recently. Not having my dad is a constant reminder that I do not have it all together. So many things I question as a wife, a parent, a teacher and my dad was the one with all the advice. My mom gives good advice too, but there was just something about dad's advice. He had been there. He knew what it was like to make something of yourself when people may think you would fail. He, himself, did fail in so many areas, but did everything with integrity and didn't care what was acceptable or the norm. He did what was right, regardless of what people thought. You don't find that quality in everyone.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. It is more or less therapy for me to write and get some things off my mind. I don't have any magic scripture to make it better or try and fake my way into saying, "It all happens for a reason." It's not ok. It's not how it was supposed to be. Tomorrow will come and go and maybe there is a date that sticks out in your mind, whether it be a sad day or a happy day. Whatever those days bring you, let them come, because then they will go. Time will still pass and days will go by. How we handle them makes us who we are. So many times I am reminded of the fact that we choose our attitude and how we respond to situations in life.
But tomorrow, I will remember. I will wear my Walk for Mr. Ervin shirt, dress my son in Chicago Bears head-to-toe and try and give grace to my students who don't have a parent like I did. I will call my brothers and my mom and we will all share our moment with one another, probably over the phone. I will breathe in the fall and hopefully smell a freshly cut lawn or burning leaves, some of Dad's favorite smells. And then the day will end. And September 27th will come, and so on, and so forth.
I will just leave you with these words from a song I heard on my run this morning:
"And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
"We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home"
This is not our home. It wasn't my dads. What a glorious day to be reunited with our Savior, free from pain, affliction, suffering, and sin. What a magnificent moment.
Hug your kids, friends, in memory of my dad. Hug them for my son who will never hug his grandpa. Hug them for my niece who never met him. Hug them for my nephew who was so young when dad died. Hug them for me. Hug them for you.
Oh, and read them a book =)
I love you, Dad. Forever and always and I hope I am making you proud.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Changing seasons
I had the thought for this post last Saturday. I was up early getting ready to garage sale and I had to dig deep in my closet for the sweatshirt that morning and a warm cup of coffee, which is an everyday staple. Fall was coming. Ah...let us all take a deep breath and enjoy that. While we did not have the hot, crazy humid summer like last year, the cool air was a relief all the same. I even busted the heat on in the car for my drive.
There are certain things in life that are unpredictable and even though I feel I have control over things, control is just an illusion. But seasons will always change. Again, bear with me because I'm assuming we all live in the Midwest or a place where you see snow, sunshine, leaves fall, and flowers bloom. =) Seasons come and seasons go. This is not revolutionary, but it made me stop and consider a few things. I am not always 100% content in my life. There are moments of joy and happiness, but there is unrest sometimes. Seasons change, however. The trees aren't bare forever. No matter how dreary your winter is, literally or metaphorically, the snow will melt and the buds will begin to sprout.
Okay, literal seasons aside, the pain won't last forever. It may linger just like the blasted humidity, but it will change and evolve. The sting of your guilt will subside. The aching of your heart will mend. The hurt will heal. Jesus promised this on the cross. Without the pain, there would be no victory or glory. The leaves fall, trees dry up, so they can begin again. If we truly looked at the seasons, I believe it could help us better deal with our current situations.
Enjoy the ride of whatever "season" you are on for it will mold you and make you into who God wants you to be. Sometimes I still feel like I am riding the grief train from losing dad almost 4 years ago this month, but I have confidence and hope in my current season and that always makes the sun shine.
Ecclesiastes 3
There are certain things in life that are unpredictable and even though I feel I have control over things, control is just an illusion. But seasons will always change. Again, bear with me because I'm assuming we all live in the Midwest or a place where you see snow, sunshine, leaves fall, and flowers bloom. =) Seasons come and seasons go. This is not revolutionary, but it made me stop and consider a few things. I am not always 100% content in my life. There are moments of joy and happiness, but there is unrest sometimes. Seasons change, however. The trees aren't bare forever. No matter how dreary your winter is, literally or metaphorically, the snow will melt and the buds will begin to sprout.
Okay, literal seasons aside, the pain won't last forever. It may linger just like the blasted humidity, but it will change and evolve. The sting of your guilt will subside. The aching of your heart will mend. The hurt will heal. Jesus promised this on the cross. Without the pain, there would be no victory or glory. The leaves fall, trees dry up, so they can begin again. If we truly looked at the seasons, I believe it could help us better deal with our current situations.
Enjoy the ride of whatever "season" you are on for it will mold you and make you into who God wants you to be. Sometimes I still feel like I am riding the grief train from losing dad almost 4 years ago this month, but I have confidence and hope in my current season and that always makes the sun shine.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Baby Steps
No, Liam isn't walking, but we do feel he will walk before he crawls. The boy loves to stand!
So, the other night, Liam got up, yet again, in the middle of the night sort of cooing and baby talk. As in, "I'm not really awake, but I'm going to keep you guys up until you get me." He's been doing really well (sleeping 9 pm-7:30 am most nights), but occasionally he pulls this 1 am stuff. Or he gets up at 5 am...woof.
However, this night, we had both just fallen asleep and he really shouldn't have been hungry. Either way, we were up. Nathan was very frustrated, as was I and after listening to him babble for 30 min, we went in there and changed his diaper and finally I told Nathan I had it and to go back to bed. There's nothing worse than an exhausted, cranky parent at 1 am. And I'm really speaking for both of us at this point but instead of creating a fight, I sent him to sleep. Plus, I would probably lie awake, hoping they were both doing ok.
I fed Liam and then tried to get him back down which turned into a 45 minute escapade of rubbing his back, rocking him, shushing him, etc. As I was standing there, nearly falling asleep on the crib, I had a thought....
I've come a long way. Yes, I still get frustrated at times as a mom and it's still so so hard some moments. But I read recently that little ones struggle with sin just as adults do. So when he or my niece or nephew, who are much older, act out or behave in a way us parents get so angered by, we must remember that they too are dealing with their sin. They just don't know that's what it is. Liam is not trying to make us miserable or lose sleep, he's just awake. The Lord has certainly changed my perspective and turned it into one of compassion and patience. I didn't want to be awake at 1 am. I didn't care to be awake for 45 extra minutes waiting for my son to fall asleep which he can readily do on his own, but God showed me that this was an opportunity not everyone gets: one to share with my son in the middle of the night, with no one else around. When gets upset, cries, or is cranky, I find myself feeling bad for him and asking what's wrong instead of being so angry that he's not an angel baby or a textbook baby.
So again, I know harder days are coming (toddlers anyone?!) but the Lord has already softened my heart towards my little guy. He will always deal with sin on this earth and though I wish I could change that for him, I am thankful that Jesus offers us grace we don't deserve.
So, the other night, Liam got up, yet again, in the middle of the night sort of cooing and baby talk. As in, "I'm not really awake, but I'm going to keep you guys up until you get me." He's been doing really well (sleeping 9 pm-7:30 am most nights), but occasionally he pulls this 1 am stuff. Or he gets up at 5 am...woof.
However, this night, we had both just fallen asleep and he really shouldn't have been hungry. Either way, we were up. Nathan was very frustrated, as was I and after listening to him babble for 30 min, we went in there and changed his diaper and finally I told Nathan I had it and to go back to bed. There's nothing worse than an exhausted, cranky parent at 1 am. And I'm really speaking for both of us at this point but instead of creating a fight, I sent him to sleep. Plus, I would probably lie awake, hoping they were both doing ok.
I fed Liam and then tried to get him back down which turned into a 45 minute escapade of rubbing his back, rocking him, shushing him, etc. As I was standing there, nearly falling asleep on the crib, I had a thought....
I've come a long way. Yes, I still get frustrated at times as a mom and it's still so so hard some moments. But I read recently that little ones struggle with sin just as adults do. So when he or my niece or nephew, who are much older, act out or behave in a way us parents get so angered by, we must remember that they too are dealing with their sin. They just don't know that's what it is. Liam is not trying to make us miserable or lose sleep, he's just awake. The Lord has certainly changed my perspective and turned it into one of compassion and patience. I didn't want to be awake at 1 am. I didn't care to be awake for 45 extra minutes waiting for my son to fall asleep which he can readily do on his own, but God showed me that this was an opportunity not everyone gets: one to share with my son in the middle of the night, with no one else around. When gets upset, cries, or is cranky, I find myself feeling bad for him and asking what's wrong instead of being so angry that he's not an angel baby or a textbook baby.
So again, I know harder days are coming (toddlers anyone?!) but the Lord has already softened my heart towards my little guy. He will always deal with sin on this earth and though I wish I could change that for him, I am thankful that Jesus offers us grace we don't deserve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)