I've been dreading this post for a few weeks. And somehow it seems it catches up with me each year. The days get cooler, the leaves start to fall, football is back on TV. The perfect time of year. A time of year my dad absolutely loved. September 26th comes and goes each year, but it is a day that will forever stand still for me.
It's been 4 years since we lost my dad to lung cancer. This year, these last few days, have been so challenging. I'm not sure what exactly has changed other than we keep getting further and further from the time he was here. It hurts at times to look at my son, knowing that some day sooner than I would want, I will have to explain to him why his grandpa isn't here. He will learn way too young that people are taken from us way too soon.
The joys we have are just reminders of what we've lost. Sure, sure, count my blessings. Some people have it worse. And on and on it goes. When you lose someone, though, that pain lingers and rears its' ugly head when you least expect it. I was sitting in my office today and abruptly started crying and had a hard time catching my breath. Grief is a beast. It comes and it goes without welcome and leaves a trail behind it. It stirs up our lives and wrecks our happiness. It takes all our energy, focus, effort, and ability to do, well, anything.
Not much has brought me comfort recently. Not having my dad is a constant reminder that I do not have it all together. So many things I question as a wife, a parent, a teacher and my dad was the one with all the advice. My mom gives good advice too, but there was just something about dad's advice. He had been there. He knew what it was like to make something of yourself when people may think you would fail. He, himself, did fail in so many areas, but did everything with integrity and didn't care what was acceptable or the norm. He did what was right, regardless of what people thought. You don't find that quality in everyone.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. It is more or less therapy for me to write and get some things off my mind. I don't have any magic scripture to make it better or try and fake my way into saying, "It all happens for a reason." It's not ok. It's not how it was supposed to be. Tomorrow will come and go and maybe there is a date that sticks out in your mind, whether it be a sad day or a happy day. Whatever those days bring you, let them come, because then they will go. Time will still pass and days will go by. How we handle them makes us who we are. So many times I am reminded of the fact that we choose our attitude and how we respond to situations in life.
But tomorrow, I will remember. I will wear my Walk for Mr. Ervin shirt, dress my son in Chicago Bears head-to-toe and try and give grace to my students who don't have a parent like I did. I will call my brothers and my mom and we will all share our moment with one another, probably over the phone. I will breathe in the fall and hopefully smell a freshly cut lawn or burning leaves, some of Dad's favorite smells. And then the day will end. And September 27th will come, and so on, and so forth.
I will just leave you with these words from a song I heard on my run this morning:
"And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
"We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home"
This is not our home. It wasn't my dads. What a glorious day to be reunited with our Savior, free from pain, affliction, suffering, and sin. What a magnificent moment.
Hug your kids, friends, in memory of my dad. Hug them for my son who will never hug his grandpa. Hug them for my niece who never met him. Hug them for my nephew who was so young when dad died. Hug them for me. Hug them for you.
Oh, and read them a book =)
I love you, Dad. Forever and always and I hope I am making you proud.
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