Sunday, March 3, 2013

Realization...

As I'm only a few weeks days away from delivery, a lot of things have "hit" me about how much life is changing and will change for us soon.  Here is what has struck me recently:

1.  No more naps, impromptu shopping trips, life on my own:  I pride myself on "doing it all" around on our house.  Meals, shopping, cleaning, and taking the occasional naps.  I'm a planner but not a planner when a little life is concerned.  I'm so excited about our little man, but still, our life is about to be flipped upside down.  Everything will need to be extra planned out.  I know we will find a new normal, but will take awhile.  Again, not a bad change, just a change that ready or not, is coming.

2.  My running goals will have to be adjusted:  Again, I've always done things on my own schedule.  If I had an hour, I could squeeze in a 40 min run, no matter where Nathan is.  Now, little man will go with me and need to be changed before hand, suited up for the weather, my map routed out beforehand, or Nathan will have to be home to watch him.  No more running every other day.  I will do it when I can fit it in.  I want to get back to competitive racing but I will have to set new goals and a realistic timeline.

3.  Our house is way not baby proof: Newborns don't move around a ton, but in the very near future, we will have to address all the hazards in our house.  Okay, we don't have guns, fireworks, or poison lying around, but we do have some sharp edged tables, a completely glass wine rack and appliances on a shelf that is exposed for little fingers to mess with.  Not to mention Nathan's studio, but that has a door.  Things I would have never thought of before!

4.  My body has changed a lot, but will change even more:  Someone told me last week that pregnancy is a 9 month trauma to the body.  Sort of true I guess in that it doesn't happen all at once, but after birth even more changes take place.  My breasts will change size, will probably hurt and my stomach will not be tight anymore.  It will take time, but things will go back to normal....at some point.

5.  There is always something to learn: I've tried to read a bunch of books in prep for little guy and the necessary registering, buying diapers, putting a crib together and making room for a baby, but I don't think anything will 100% prepare me for what life is bringing me.  Here will be this little person completely dependent upon me, and I've read books?!  He won't understand that nor should he.  But when it all comes down, no matter how much I've "prepped", he will be my child and I will just go with it.

6.  I'd better be grounded: I've had 28 years to get my act together....marriage, friendships, organization, and most importantly, my faith.  How can I possibly teach my child about Christ, if I am not rooted in him?  For years, it's been, "I'm going to start reading the Bible every day today"  or "This year, my prayer life is going to take off and move mountains."  Not that I haven't read the Bible or learned through prayer and scripture, but we could always be better with our relationship with God.  Now, a little person will look to us for answers about God, Jesus, and faith.  I'd better have my act together and how to respond.

8.  Our choices must change:  I watch a lot of TV.  I do other things and I'm definitely not lazy, but I do love my TV.  And we have certain shows that are not exactly PG.  Not necessarily b/c of profanity or sex, but mature themes or off candor jokes.  I know newborns can't repeat that stuff, but a part of me feels like it's infiltrating their minds.  No more blasting the stereo on KSHE around the house if little one is sleeping.  Eventually, this little person will look to us for the right thing to do and the right things to say and watch.  We'd better be walking the talk.

9.  Budgeting will be a very real thing: We do not live extravagantly, but it doesn't break our bank to go out to eat 2-3x a month or spend a lot on groceries.  And right now, I shop, not because I need anything, but because I can and am able too.  I have 3 closets full of clothes...I swear it's not a problem!  But his needs will be first and we will have very real bills that are a priority.  I want my child to grow up, not having it all, but having love and being taken care of.  When he gets old enough, I want to tell him that we saved for his future and for him.  We've got the right mind frame right now, just need to crack down in a few areas.  Me especially, because Nathan is cheap!

10.  Little man will never know his Grandpa Ron or Grandma Pam on this earth: Probably the hardest and real reason for this post.  My child will never know his grandpa or grandma.  We have pictures, stories, notes and letters that we can show him every single day, but he will never know the feel of their hugs, their story telling, the glint in their eyes when they smile at him.  The truth that hurts right now is that Nathan nor I will ever have those things again either.  A part of me never wanted children because they wouldn't know my father.  But God and my dad know that sin and pain are not an excuse to deny a blessing.  What's hardest is that my dad is such a huge part of who I am and Pam was the same for Nathan.  I am stubborn, impatient, and worry about everything.  That is 100% my father.  My Aunt Donna once said how do we not know that our loved ones who have passed don't have a front row seat to every thing in our lives, when before, they could only be 1 place at a time?  This isn't about ghosts or spirits, but I have definitely had moments when I've felt my dad and felt him smiling or his blessing on me.  He will always be with me in a sense.  And you'd better believe that he and Pam have met and are smiling on their grandchildren.  They ARE a part of who he is and who he will become.  And we will do everything to let him know how proud his Grandpa Ron and Grandma Pam are of him.  Some days I need to remind myself that they are just as proud of us.     

Sorry to end on a sad note, but change is change and change can be good.  What I've learned through all of this is that pain is real, change is inevitable, and God is great through it all.

3 more weeks.....maybe ;-)

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