Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It hits you like a ton of bricks

I miss my dad today.  A lot.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him everyday.  I miss him every moment.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or what he would have said or the advice he would give me.  Sometimes it just hits me, and I start crying like a blubbering baby.  The other day, it was song lyrics that got me.  Today, it's knowing he wasn't at my wedding, or won't ever meet my perfect niece Leah, or my future children.  That he is so much a part of me that a part of me feels dead or missing without him here.  Gosh, life sucks sometimes, and I am the first to say that I trust God, but sometimes I wish he'd give me what I want. 

I want my dad back.  I want an "easy" life that does not exist.  A life without trials and pain.  A life that God intended us to have.  I live for the day when I feel like God has put this whole back together in my life.  And believe, sooner would be better.  I can't just be randomly crying all the time right?  God has blessed me and my family a ton, but I'd give back all the blessings to have Dad back.  I have learned to perfect my bargaining skills and I keep thinking that maybe someday, God will honor my requests.  Because I still want him back, I want to feel whole again. 

Yes, God is good all the time, but there are times I doubt his fairness or goodness because pain sucks.  It is a hurt I have known in and out but have to get up and cover up most days.  I will never turn my back on God, but I would love to understand the master plan some days. 

If you are struggling with loss, whether a pet or a family member or a relationship lost, believe that God is near even when you don't feel him because maybe he will change your heart.

Hug your kids.

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