We have many friends and family who are missing someone around their table this year. Some have lost a family member recently. Others are praying to pull up a high chair in the next 9 months, yet the seat sits empty. In this special time of year where family gathers together, how do you 'enjoy' it? How do you not notice that someone is obviously missing? Or the thing you have hoped and prayed for is not there, once again. That empty chair is a constant reminder. No presents have their name. No phone calls, no pictures, no positive pregnancy tests.
Please know that if these speak of your circumstances, current or past, there is hope. It is my circumstance. It is my husband's. It is my families. It is my close friends'. We live in a world where babies do not always go to deserving parents, where parents do not get to see their children get married or become parents themselves. Satan, in this broken world, shines a bright light on that empty dinner seat or those newborn clothes that go unoccupied. He sneers, points, and condemns. Why aren't you good enough to have a baby? Why didn't you do more to keep them around? If you would have done this or that, he or she would still be here. You would get the very thing you want. We feel entitled to what others have or envious and bitter of their full tables with many seats.
So, come celebrate the season of perpetual hope with me won't you???? Ridiculous, right?! The singing of each Christmas carol reminds us that one voice is missing. The screams of relative's children screams in our hearts that we can't have any children. Where is the hope in that?
May I offer a different perspective. I cannot answer the "why me?" or "how come?" because I, myself, ask the same things each day. I can, however, offer Jesus. Jesus, in his hay bed whose parents had wonderful dreams for him. Jesus, who was a friend to many and a great story teller. Jesus, who's death was mocked over and jeered at. Yes, we have heart ache and extreme loss, but Jesus' death covers that. Claim that in his name, friends. Remind yourself daily if you must, but when you see the empty chair, claim Jesus. No, it isn't fair, but neither was an innocent man dying for yours and my sins.
I recently read Max Lucado's "You'll Get Through This". One of his friends had just lost his child in a tragic accident and he was able to tell Max, "my time with them in heaven will be greater and sweeter than my time with them on earth." (very paraphrased) God is just getting started with their eternity and you will be a part of that someday. One day, we will spend forever with our creator and those who have gone before. Does that mean this first Christmas alone will be joyous? Not likely. Grieve, folks. Lay it out their for your God. He can handle it. As Max says, "it won't be fun or easy, but you will get through this."
My hope and prayer for you is that you can shift your eyes from the emptiness to the abundance in heaven; the riches He has in store. Run to the Father as he promises a full table someday with old friends, dads, moms, grandparents and newborns. You will get through this.
Hug your kids and read them a book friends ;)
Monday, December 16, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
The dreaded treadmill? **workout included
I secretly hope that before the end of 2013 I write 10 posts about fitness. This is post 1. I want to return, somewhat, to why this blog was formed....running and fitness. Will all 10 posts happen? Maybe.This is only happening b/c my son is asleep and my husband isn't home and I'm too stubborn to lie down even when I've been up since 4:45 am. Here goes....
I have a love/hate relationship with the treadmill. I feel like we all should. Consequently, I also have a love/hate with my gym. It does the job (since the other location burned to the ground - no foul play though) but with running outside this summer or early morning and being able to lift (limited equipment) at school, I just haven't made it. It's an extra 10 min drive there and back I don't have anymore. Ok, back to the treadmill.
I love running outside. Literally, I would always rather run outside. I've ran in below zero temps and when the heat index is over 100. Doesn't matter. The wind, trails, neighborhoods, new routes, fresh air, etc. Now, getting to take Liam and show him the world is an added bonus. However, there are days and if you run, you've been there. The days when it is pouring down rain and you HAVE to get run. I have run in pouring down rain but it's not my favorite. And I end up being soaked. Not cool. There have been a few key times when I HAD to use the treadmill. I had a half marathon coming up or I just had the running bug and would not relax until I got the run on my plate for the day.
Believe me, I'm a glutton for punishment. I once ran 9 miles....around a track....at 5 am....30 degrees out. BORING. Dumb move. I've also ran when it was "a little" icy which really means I was skating around Belleville. But now that I'm older and have a kid, I feel I should be a little more responsible. So when a storm is coming, I hit the treadmill.
Here's why I hate it. First of all, it's bad on your knees, legs, etc. It is not accurate to real running/walking and in fact, propels you in such a way that changes your gait. This could cause more damage in the long run. It also overestimates how many calories you are burning. If you think any cardio machine in the gym is right, take off at least 10%, probably closer to 20% and that is what you are actually burning. Even if I have a TV to watch or magazine to read, (yes, I read while bouncing around) I am still staring at that dumb track with the red blinking light going around and around and slowly watching my mileage and time go up. I become obsessive and play mind games like, "Okay, I'll wait two more songs and then I'll probably have run 3 miles". Side note, it's always like half a lap. Yet again, somedays you have to shut up and hit the road....I mean conveyer belt.
Here's why I love the treadmilll....It is there when I have no other choice but to get a run in. And certain routes I have mapped out in town don't have much incline or I can tell I'm not going as fast as I could go. The treadmill is great for playing with incline and speed. I hated driving to the gym a few mornings back to run just 30 min, but after getting there and getting started, I realized I do like changing it up. It's great for 15-20 min sprints, 30 min long runs, etc. But I will never run 9 miles on the treadmill again (yeah I've done that too).
Here's a sample workout to try sometime if you lovehate the treadmill like me:
Warm-up - 5 min - 5.0-6.0 mph (depending on fitness level. 6.0 mph is approx 10 min/mile)
3 min (min 5-8) - 1% incline - 6.0 mph
2 min (Min 8-10) - 0% incline - 6.2 mph
3 min (Min 10-13) - 2% incline - 6.2 mph
2 min (Min 13-15) - 0% incline - 6.4 mph
3 min (min 15-18) - 2.5% incline - 6.4 mph
2 min (min 18-20)- 0% incline - 6.6 mph
2 min (min 20-22) - 0-1% incline - 7.0 mph
3 min (min 22-25) - 0% incline - 3.0-4.0 mph
**So pretty much you are increasing the incline, then the speed. Each time the incline goes up, the speed stays the same. The point is that you do not increase speed and incline at the same time. Do it in timed intervals so you aren't dying! Then all out sprint to finish and a 3 min cool-down. Mix it up and try different things, but push yourself! You know your limits and I bet you could go10 more seconds if you gave it your all. =)
Happy Running!
I have a love/hate relationship with the treadmill. I feel like we all should. Consequently, I also have a love/hate with my gym. It does the job (since the other location burned to the ground - no foul play though) but with running outside this summer or early morning and being able to lift (limited equipment) at school, I just haven't made it. It's an extra 10 min drive there and back I don't have anymore. Ok, back to the treadmill.
I love running outside. Literally, I would always rather run outside. I've ran in below zero temps and when the heat index is over 100. Doesn't matter. The wind, trails, neighborhoods, new routes, fresh air, etc. Now, getting to take Liam and show him the world is an added bonus. However, there are days and if you run, you've been there. The days when it is pouring down rain and you HAVE to get run. I have run in pouring down rain but it's not my favorite. And I end up being soaked. Not cool. There have been a few key times when I HAD to use the treadmill. I had a half marathon coming up or I just had the running bug and would not relax until I got the run on my plate for the day.
Believe me, I'm a glutton for punishment. I once ran 9 miles....around a track....at 5 am....30 degrees out. BORING. Dumb move. I've also ran when it was "a little" icy which really means I was skating around Belleville. But now that I'm older and have a kid, I feel I should be a little more responsible. So when a storm is coming, I hit the treadmill.
Here's why I hate it. First of all, it's bad on your knees, legs, etc. It is not accurate to real running/walking and in fact, propels you in such a way that changes your gait. This could cause more damage in the long run. It also overestimates how many calories you are burning. If you think any cardio machine in the gym is right, take off at least 10%, probably closer to 20% and that is what you are actually burning. Even if I have a TV to watch or magazine to read, (yes, I read while bouncing around) I am still staring at that dumb track with the red blinking light going around and around and slowly watching my mileage and time go up. I become obsessive and play mind games like, "Okay, I'll wait two more songs and then I'll probably have run 3 miles". Side note, it's always like half a lap. Yet again, somedays you have to shut up and hit the road....I mean conveyer belt.
Here's why I love the treadmilll....It is there when I have no other choice but to get a run in. And certain routes I have mapped out in town don't have much incline or I can tell I'm not going as fast as I could go. The treadmill is great for playing with incline and speed. I hated driving to the gym a few mornings back to run just 30 min, but after getting there and getting started, I realized I do like changing it up. It's great for 15-20 min sprints, 30 min long runs, etc. But I will never run 9 miles on the treadmill again (yeah I've done that too).
Here's a sample workout to try sometime if you love
Warm-up - 5 min - 5.0-6.0 mph (depending on fitness level. 6.0 mph is approx 10 min/mile)
3 min (min 5-8) - 1% incline - 6.0 mph
2 min (Min 8-10) - 0% incline - 6.2 mph
3 min (Min 10-13) - 2% incline - 6.2 mph
2 min (Min 13-15) - 0% incline - 6.4 mph
3 min (min 15-18) - 2.5% incline - 6.4 mph
2 min (min 18-20)- 0% incline - 6.6 mph
2 min (min 20-22) - 0-1% incline - 7.0 mph
3 min (min 22-25) - 0% incline - 3.0-4.0 mph
**So pretty much you are increasing the incline, then the speed. Each time the incline goes up, the speed stays the same. The point is that you do not increase speed and incline at the same time. Do it in timed intervals so you aren't dying! Then all out sprint to finish and a 3 min cool-down. Mix it up and try different things, but push yourself! You know your limits and I bet you could go10 more seconds if you gave it your all. =)
Happy Running!
Monday, November 4, 2013
DIY - Liam's Halloween Costume!
Okay, I love to craft but that becomes difficult since I can't really sew. I understand the basics, but do it so infrequently, that I needed to make something that required little to no sewing. I plan on making his costumes as much as I can unless he falls in love with some intricately clothed character. But for his 1st Halloween, I WAS NOT going to buy anything. I had a monkey and pumpkin costume from a rummage sale, but still wanted to make something. So he became Superhero Liam! Here's how I did it and how much it cost....
Materials
Plain t-shirt for cape - Hobby Lobby - $2.09
Plain white long sleeved onesie - Babies R Us - pack of 3 - $9.00 (divided by 3 = $3) (if you just had one this would be free)
Gold fabric glitter glue - Purchased last year at Jo Anns - free
Craft Fuse/Lite EZ Steam - $3.40-$3.99 - Jo Anns (I bought 2 different things b/c I wasn't sure I got the right thing the first time. Turns out it was but I had difficulties using one of them)
Red pants - already owned - free
Fabric for letter - Rummage sale remnant fabric ( I bought a bunch of stuff and only paid $3 so probably $.75?)
Total - $9-10
Materials
Plain t-shirt for cape - Hobby Lobby - $2.09
Plain white long sleeved onesie - Babies R Us - pack of 3 - $9.00 (divided by 3 = $3) (if you just had one this would be free)
Gold fabric glitter glue - Purchased last year at Jo Anns - free
Craft Fuse/Lite EZ Steam - $3.40-$3.99 - Jo Anns (I bought 2 different things b/c I wasn't sure I got the right thing the first time. Turns out it was but I had difficulties using one of them)
Red pants - already owned - free
Fabric for letter - Rummage sale remnant fabric ( I bought a bunch of stuff and only paid $3 so probably $.75?)
Total - $9-10
 |
| Here are my materials |
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| First thing I did was use the fabric to cute out my "L". I did it free hand and just used my straight edge for the long side. It took me way too long. And I may have had a few L's lying around |
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| This part was ridiculous. It took me way too long and too many trials b/c I didn't peel off the last layer. I ended up calling my friend Robin and she helped/sewed the L on. Again, sewing is not my forte! |
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| I actually did the L right but struggled to remember what I had done to get it to stay. |
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| I missed a few pics in there but I ironed on'd and sewed the belt and added a glitter belt. It got sort of globby so I spread it with a toothpick. I put a piece of cardboard in between the shirt when I did the lightening bolt. I did it free hand and filled it in. It is very thick and sticky but it works. |
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| It only needed a night to dry and I finished it up the night before my Halloween race so Liam could match me! I cute the sleeves off the t-shirt and there you have a cape. *Note, this t-shirt was a size 2T but Liam has a big head so glad I went big! |
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| The finished product on! |
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| He was sick this morning so please excuse him but it turned out perfect! |
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| Sorry this is flipped, but this was Halloween. In the 2 weeks between my race and Halloween, the onesie barely snapped so go up a size if you ever create with a onesie. |
Happy Crafting!!!
Liam - months 5, 6, 7
I have been soooooo far behind on my updates of little man. He is growing so fast and getting more and fun by the day. Much has happened these last 3 months. I'll try to sum it up as best as I can...
*New look* - his reverse soul-patch fell out and now he has blonde spikey, fuzzy hair. Everyone just "has" to run their hands through it.
*New weight* - At 5 months he was 16 lbs 1 oz and 27 inches long. At 6 months - 17 lbs 9 1/2 oz. At 7 months - 17 lbs 12 oz. (these were only a week apart b/c our 6 month appointment is delayed and he was sick
*First "real" sickness* - 10/14 - Liam had a low grade fever, puffy eyes, snotty nose, goopy eyes and an mild ear infection. We treated it holistically and bounced back very well. It was a very mild ear infection b/c he slept better than he's ever slept before.
*First time sitting up unassisted* - 10/8 - He still wobbles but he gets stronger every day. He loves grabbing at things and if he falls, he doesn't cry so much. (note to self....baby proof soon!)
*First foods* - He has tried oatmeal, rice cereal, sweet potatoes, squash, green beans, avocado, and pear. He loves his squash and pears. He tolerates green beans and will eat them without being forced if he's starving. Still drinking 5, 6 oz bottles a day.
*First fun holiday* - I made Liam's costume of a superhero and he wore it so well (post coming)! We went to our friends Robin and Layne's house and went around with their little girls to get candy. I, of course, dressed up too so I really loaded up on candy thanks to Liam's cuteness.
*First thing I'm not a fan of* - I posted this previously but he now drops things just to see if we'll get it. This game will only get worse.
*Favorite toys/gadgets* - Jumper/bouncer, frog puppet, orange monkey, baby mirror, anything that rattles, shakes, vibrates, bath time ( now that he gets what a toy is in there)
*Newest new* - Liam will wake in the morning, get on his hands and knees and rock himself to the back of the crib and then get his legs stuck. It's adorable and reminds me that crawling is on its way.
Size - 9 month sleepers; 6-12 month clothes; shoe size - 3-4; diapers - size 3 (his legs are too skinny for 4's)
*Best mommy moment* - He started giving me kisses when I say, "Liam, kisses for mommy?" and try to kiss him. He comes in open mouth and it is so slobbery, but it is the absolute best!
He is at such a fun stage. I could do without the constant runny nose (it seems), coughing, soaking through his diaper nearly every night, and when he is sick. But he is so fun, belly laughing, kisses, and rolling around. We're starting to feed him 3x a day and he's taking it pretty well. I'm also starting some sign language with him. I think he'll get mommy and daddy first. Every time I show him a picture of us and do the sign, he looks at me and then at the picture. Fingers crossed! He enjoys sitting up and seeing the world differently. He loves faces, seeing dogs (he cracks up) and toys that blink. I've also been barking like a dog recently and he laughs so hard. Don't ask me why I was experiencing with that, but hey, anything to get my son to laugh!
Hopefully I'm not 3 months behind next time I post!
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*New look* - his reverse soul-patch fell out and now he has blonde spikey, fuzzy hair. Everyone just "has" to run their hands through it.
*New weight* - At 5 months he was 16 lbs 1 oz and 27 inches long. At 6 months - 17 lbs 9 1/2 oz. At 7 months - 17 lbs 12 oz. (these were only a week apart b/c our 6 month appointment is delayed and he was sick
*First "real" sickness* - 10/14 - Liam had a low grade fever, puffy eyes, snotty nose, goopy eyes and an mild ear infection. We treated it holistically and bounced back very well. It was a very mild ear infection b/c he slept better than he's ever slept before.
*First time sitting up unassisted* - 10/8 - He still wobbles but he gets stronger every day. He loves grabbing at things and if he falls, he doesn't cry so much. (note to self....baby proof soon!)
*First foods* - He has tried oatmeal, rice cereal, sweet potatoes, squash, green beans, avocado, and pear. He loves his squash and pears. He tolerates green beans and will eat them without being forced if he's starving. Still drinking 5, 6 oz bottles a day.
*First fun holiday* - I made Liam's costume of a superhero and he wore it so well (post coming)! We went to our friends Robin and Layne's house and went around with their little girls to get candy. I, of course, dressed up too so I really loaded up on candy thanks to Liam's cuteness.
*First thing I'm not a fan of* - I posted this previously but he now drops things just to see if we'll get it. This game will only get worse.
*Favorite toys/gadgets* - Jumper/bouncer, frog puppet, orange monkey, baby mirror, anything that rattles, shakes, vibrates, bath time ( now that he gets what a toy is in there)
*Newest new* - Liam will wake in the morning, get on his hands and knees and rock himself to the back of the crib and then get his legs stuck. It's adorable and reminds me that crawling is on its way.
Size - 9 month sleepers; 6-12 month clothes; shoe size - 3-4; diapers - size 3 (his legs are too skinny for 4's)
*Best mommy moment* - He started giving me kisses when I say, "Liam, kisses for mommy?" and try to kiss him. He comes in open mouth and it is so slobbery, but it is the absolute best!
He is at such a fun stage. I could do without the constant runny nose (it seems), coughing, soaking through his diaper nearly every night, and when he is sick. But he is so fun, belly laughing, kisses, and rolling around. We're starting to feed him 3x a day and he's taking it pretty well. I'm also starting some sign language with him. I think he'll get mommy and daddy first. Every time I show him a picture of us and do the sign, he looks at me and then at the picture. Fingers crossed! He enjoys sitting up and seeing the world differently. He loves faces, seeing dogs (he cracks up) and toys that blink. I've also been barking like a dog recently and he laughs so hard. Don't ask me why I was experiencing with that, but hey, anything to get my son to laugh!
Hopefully I'm not 3 months behind next time I post!
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Wednesday, September 25, 2013
A day early
I've been dreading this post for a few weeks. And somehow it seems it catches up with me each year. The days get cooler, the leaves start to fall, football is back on TV. The perfect time of year. A time of year my dad absolutely loved. September 26th comes and goes each year, but it is a day that will forever stand still for me.
It's been 4 years since we lost my dad to lung cancer. This year, these last few days, have been so challenging. I'm not sure what exactly has changed other than we keep getting further and further from the time he was here. It hurts at times to look at my son, knowing that some day sooner than I would want, I will have to explain to him why his grandpa isn't here. He will learn way too young that people are taken from us way too soon.
The joys we have are just reminders of what we've lost. Sure, sure, count my blessings. Some people have it worse. And on and on it goes. When you lose someone, though, that pain lingers and rears its' ugly head when you least expect it. I was sitting in my office today and abruptly started crying and had a hard time catching my breath. Grief is a beast. It comes and it goes without welcome and leaves a trail behind it. It stirs up our lives and wrecks our happiness. It takes all our energy, focus, effort, and ability to do, well, anything.
Not much has brought me comfort recently. Not having my dad is a constant reminder that I do not have it all together. So many things I question as a wife, a parent, a teacher and my dad was the one with all the advice. My mom gives good advice too, but there was just something about dad's advice. He had been there. He knew what it was like to make something of yourself when people may think you would fail. He, himself, did fail in so many areas, but did everything with integrity and didn't care what was acceptable or the norm. He did what was right, regardless of what people thought. You don't find that quality in everyone.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. It is more or less therapy for me to write and get some things off my mind. I don't have any magic scripture to make it better or try and fake my way into saying, "It all happens for a reason." It's not ok. It's not how it was supposed to be. Tomorrow will come and go and maybe there is a date that sticks out in your mind, whether it be a sad day or a happy day. Whatever those days bring you, let them come, because then they will go. Time will still pass and days will go by. How we handle them makes us who we are. So many times I am reminded of the fact that we choose our attitude and how we respond to situations in life.
But tomorrow, I will remember. I will wear my Walk for Mr. Ervin shirt, dress my son in Chicago Bears head-to-toe and try and give grace to my students who don't have a parent like I did. I will call my brothers and my mom and we will all share our moment with one another, probably over the phone. I will breathe in the fall and hopefully smell a freshly cut lawn or burning leaves, some of Dad's favorite smells. And then the day will end. And September 27th will come, and so on, and so forth.
I will just leave you with these words from a song I heard on my run this morning:
"And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
"We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home"
This is not our home. It wasn't my dads. What a glorious day to be reunited with our Savior, free from pain, affliction, suffering, and sin. What a magnificent moment.
Hug your kids, friends, in memory of my dad. Hug them for my son who will never hug his grandpa. Hug them for my niece who never met him. Hug them for my nephew who was so young when dad died. Hug them for me. Hug them for you.
Oh, and read them a book =)
I love you, Dad. Forever and always and I hope I am making you proud.
It's been 4 years since we lost my dad to lung cancer. This year, these last few days, have been so challenging. I'm not sure what exactly has changed other than we keep getting further and further from the time he was here. It hurts at times to look at my son, knowing that some day sooner than I would want, I will have to explain to him why his grandpa isn't here. He will learn way too young that people are taken from us way too soon.
The joys we have are just reminders of what we've lost. Sure, sure, count my blessings. Some people have it worse. And on and on it goes. When you lose someone, though, that pain lingers and rears its' ugly head when you least expect it. I was sitting in my office today and abruptly started crying and had a hard time catching my breath. Grief is a beast. It comes and it goes without welcome and leaves a trail behind it. It stirs up our lives and wrecks our happiness. It takes all our energy, focus, effort, and ability to do, well, anything.
Not much has brought me comfort recently. Not having my dad is a constant reminder that I do not have it all together. So many things I question as a wife, a parent, a teacher and my dad was the one with all the advice. My mom gives good advice too, but there was just something about dad's advice. He had been there. He knew what it was like to make something of yourself when people may think you would fail. He, himself, did fail in so many areas, but did everything with integrity and didn't care what was acceptable or the norm. He did what was right, regardless of what people thought. You don't find that quality in everyone.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. It is more or less therapy for me to write and get some things off my mind. I don't have any magic scripture to make it better or try and fake my way into saying, "It all happens for a reason." It's not ok. It's not how it was supposed to be. Tomorrow will come and go and maybe there is a date that sticks out in your mind, whether it be a sad day or a happy day. Whatever those days bring you, let them come, because then they will go. Time will still pass and days will go by. How we handle them makes us who we are. So many times I am reminded of the fact that we choose our attitude and how we respond to situations in life.
But tomorrow, I will remember. I will wear my Walk for Mr. Ervin shirt, dress my son in Chicago Bears head-to-toe and try and give grace to my students who don't have a parent like I did. I will call my brothers and my mom and we will all share our moment with one another, probably over the phone. I will breathe in the fall and hopefully smell a freshly cut lawn or burning leaves, some of Dad's favorite smells. And then the day will end. And September 27th will come, and so on, and so forth.
I will just leave you with these words from a song I heard on my run this morning:
"And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
"We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home"
This is not our home. It wasn't my dads. What a glorious day to be reunited with our Savior, free from pain, affliction, suffering, and sin. What a magnificent moment.
Hug your kids, friends, in memory of my dad. Hug them for my son who will never hug his grandpa. Hug them for my niece who never met him. Hug them for my nephew who was so young when dad died. Hug them for me. Hug them for you.
Oh, and read them a book =)
I love you, Dad. Forever and always and I hope I am making you proud.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Changing seasons
I had the thought for this post last Saturday. I was up early getting ready to garage sale and I had to dig deep in my closet for the sweatshirt that morning and a warm cup of coffee, which is an everyday staple. Fall was coming. Ah...let us all take a deep breath and enjoy that. While we did not have the hot, crazy humid summer like last year, the cool air was a relief all the same. I even busted the heat on in the car for my drive.
There are certain things in life that are unpredictable and even though I feel I have control over things, control is just an illusion. But seasons will always change. Again, bear with me because I'm assuming we all live in the Midwest or a place where you see snow, sunshine, leaves fall, and flowers bloom. =) Seasons come and seasons go. This is not revolutionary, but it made me stop and consider a few things. I am not always 100% content in my life. There are moments of joy and happiness, but there is unrest sometimes. Seasons change, however. The trees aren't bare forever. No matter how dreary your winter is, literally or metaphorically, the snow will melt and the buds will begin to sprout.
Okay, literal seasons aside, the pain won't last forever. It may linger just like the blasted humidity, but it will change and evolve. The sting of your guilt will subside. The aching of your heart will mend. The hurt will heal. Jesus promised this on the cross. Without the pain, there would be no victory or glory. The leaves fall, trees dry up, so they can begin again. If we truly looked at the seasons, I believe it could help us better deal with our current situations.
Enjoy the ride of whatever "season" you are on for it will mold you and make you into who God wants you to be. Sometimes I still feel like I am riding the grief train from losing dad almost 4 years ago this month, but I have confidence and hope in my current season and that always makes the sun shine.
Ecclesiastes 3
There are certain things in life that are unpredictable and even though I feel I have control over things, control is just an illusion. But seasons will always change. Again, bear with me because I'm assuming we all live in the Midwest or a place where you see snow, sunshine, leaves fall, and flowers bloom. =) Seasons come and seasons go. This is not revolutionary, but it made me stop and consider a few things. I am not always 100% content in my life. There are moments of joy and happiness, but there is unrest sometimes. Seasons change, however. The trees aren't bare forever. No matter how dreary your winter is, literally or metaphorically, the snow will melt and the buds will begin to sprout.
Okay, literal seasons aside, the pain won't last forever. It may linger just like the blasted humidity, but it will change and evolve. The sting of your guilt will subside. The aching of your heart will mend. The hurt will heal. Jesus promised this on the cross. Without the pain, there would be no victory or glory. The leaves fall, trees dry up, so they can begin again. If we truly looked at the seasons, I believe it could help us better deal with our current situations.
Enjoy the ride of whatever "season" you are on for it will mold you and make you into who God wants you to be. Sometimes I still feel like I am riding the grief train from losing dad almost 4 years ago this month, but I have confidence and hope in my current season and that always makes the sun shine.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Baby Steps
No, Liam isn't walking, but we do feel he will walk before he crawls. The boy loves to stand!
So, the other night, Liam got up, yet again, in the middle of the night sort of cooing and baby talk. As in, "I'm not really awake, but I'm going to keep you guys up until you get me." He's been doing really well (sleeping 9 pm-7:30 am most nights), but occasionally he pulls this 1 am stuff. Or he gets up at 5 am...woof.
However, this night, we had both just fallen asleep and he really shouldn't have been hungry. Either way, we were up. Nathan was very frustrated, as was I and after listening to him babble for 30 min, we went in there and changed his diaper and finally I told Nathan I had it and to go back to bed. There's nothing worse than an exhausted, cranky parent at 1 am. And I'm really speaking for both of us at this point but instead of creating a fight, I sent him to sleep. Plus, I would probably lie awake, hoping they were both doing ok.
I fed Liam and then tried to get him back down which turned into a 45 minute escapade of rubbing his back, rocking him, shushing him, etc. As I was standing there, nearly falling asleep on the crib, I had a thought....
I've come a long way. Yes, I still get frustrated at times as a mom and it's still so so hard some moments. But I read recently that little ones struggle with sin just as adults do. So when he or my niece or nephew, who are much older, act out or behave in a way us parents get so angered by, we must remember that they too are dealing with their sin. They just don't know that's what it is. Liam is not trying to make us miserable or lose sleep, he's just awake. The Lord has certainly changed my perspective and turned it into one of compassion and patience. I didn't want to be awake at 1 am. I didn't care to be awake for 45 extra minutes waiting for my son to fall asleep which he can readily do on his own, but God showed me that this was an opportunity not everyone gets: one to share with my son in the middle of the night, with no one else around. When gets upset, cries, or is cranky, I find myself feeling bad for him and asking what's wrong instead of being so angry that he's not an angel baby or a textbook baby.
So again, I know harder days are coming (toddlers anyone?!) but the Lord has already softened my heart towards my little guy. He will always deal with sin on this earth and though I wish I could change that for him, I am thankful that Jesus offers us grace we don't deserve.
So, the other night, Liam got up, yet again, in the middle of the night sort of cooing and baby talk. As in, "I'm not really awake, but I'm going to keep you guys up until you get me." He's been doing really well (sleeping 9 pm-7:30 am most nights), but occasionally he pulls this 1 am stuff. Or he gets up at 5 am...woof.
However, this night, we had both just fallen asleep and he really shouldn't have been hungry. Either way, we were up. Nathan was very frustrated, as was I and after listening to him babble for 30 min, we went in there and changed his diaper and finally I told Nathan I had it and to go back to bed. There's nothing worse than an exhausted, cranky parent at 1 am. And I'm really speaking for both of us at this point but instead of creating a fight, I sent him to sleep. Plus, I would probably lie awake, hoping they were both doing ok.
I fed Liam and then tried to get him back down which turned into a 45 minute escapade of rubbing his back, rocking him, shushing him, etc. As I was standing there, nearly falling asleep on the crib, I had a thought....
I've come a long way. Yes, I still get frustrated at times as a mom and it's still so so hard some moments. But I read recently that little ones struggle with sin just as adults do. So when he or my niece or nephew, who are much older, act out or behave in a way us parents get so angered by, we must remember that they too are dealing with their sin. They just don't know that's what it is. Liam is not trying to make us miserable or lose sleep, he's just awake. The Lord has certainly changed my perspective and turned it into one of compassion and patience. I didn't want to be awake at 1 am. I didn't care to be awake for 45 extra minutes waiting for my son to fall asleep which he can readily do on his own, but God showed me that this was an opportunity not everyone gets: one to share with my son in the middle of the night, with no one else around. When gets upset, cries, or is cranky, I find myself feeling bad for him and asking what's wrong instead of being so angry that he's not an angel baby or a textbook baby.
So again, I know harder days are coming (toddlers anyone?!) but the Lord has already softened my heart towards my little guy. He will always deal with sin on this earth and though I wish I could change that for him, I am thankful that Jesus offers us grace we don't deserve.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A prayer for my son
As I held my son the other night, read him a book, and rocked him to sleep, we (meaning me) starting praying for each member of our family. I got thinking...at each stage in his life, I feel I am praying different things for him. Some superficial; some very real as to what I was feeling in the moment. Is it too young to pray for his spouse? =) So here is my prayer for my son at 4 1/2 months of age....
My dear sweet boy,
I pray you would grow strong and tall. I pray we would be the right parents for you and teach you all about Jesus. I pray you would be a great friend to many and help others whenever you can. Know that Jesus loves you and wants the very best for you. I pray you would sleep well and get rested for the day. I pray the Lord would be gentle to you as you grow. Knowing temptation and sin will come but Jesus has overcome the grave already.
I pray you would be a light in your school to your friends and teachers. Keep that beautiful smile and share it with others. Know you are loved beyond compare and we are here to help you and protect you. I pray for us as parents, that we would always provide, protect, and comfort you. The Lord has entrusted us to be your parents and we take that honor seriously. Remember, we will fail, but we are doing our best for what we think you need and deserve. We don't have it all, but you will always have exactly what you need.
Forever and always, you are my son, the one I prayed for, the one I don't deserve, but the one who stole my heart!
I love you buddy,
Mommy
My dear sweet boy,
I pray you would grow strong and tall. I pray we would be the right parents for you and teach you all about Jesus. I pray you would be a great friend to many and help others whenever you can. Know that Jesus loves you and wants the very best for you. I pray you would sleep well and get rested for the day. I pray the Lord would be gentle to you as you grow. Knowing temptation and sin will come but Jesus has overcome the grave already.
I pray you would be a light in your school to your friends and teachers. Keep that beautiful smile and share it with others. Know you are loved beyond compare and we are here to help you and protect you. I pray for us as parents, that we would always provide, protect, and comfort you. The Lord has entrusted us to be your parents and we take that honor seriously. Remember, we will fail, but we are doing our best for what we think you need and deserve. We don't have it all, but you will always have exactly what you need.
Forever and always, you are my son, the one I prayed for, the one I don't deserve, but the one who stole my heart!
I love you buddy,
Mommy
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Happy 61st - a letter to my dad
**This is a letter I would write to my dad on today, July 18th, his 61st birthday if he was still with us. Instead, I can remember all the great advice, love, concern and care he gave me for 25 years and now years in heaven. I love you dad and miss you everyday.
Hey Dad!
Hope you're having a great day! It's so hot down here! Liam and I have pretty much stayed indoors recently. He loves being outside but it's just too hot and with the mosquitoes, it isn't worth it. I can't believe school starts in just a few weeks...I'm really going to miss this time with him. But hopefully, you and mom can visit more since you're retired. Thanks for the advice when he was sick. Sometimes, it just helps my perspective. I know I need to have patience right?! But that's not yours or my strongest attribute. Liam is actually starting to use his left hand for things although I'm not sure that means anything, but thought you'd want another fellow lefty in the house!
I'm not coaching this year and will miss it terribly. I remember your first year not coaching football and how difficult that was. Any advice? Maybe I'll just teach Liam how to throw a ball and run super fast! I'm also losing an hour at my job and insurance! I bet you're glad you're out of education now! I know you say it will get better and to hang in there, but again, where is that patience when you need it!?
It was great seeing everyone last weekend and we'll have to go to another Cards game soon. Our seats are always pretty good but it's the food and beer we know we love. Soon, Liam can go and you can show him the ropes of the stadium and maybe catch him a ball! (remember Wrigley?!).
Do you and mom have any plans for today? I bet you're going to mow the lawn, drink a big glass of iced tea on the deck with Sadie while listening to the radio and maybe go out for dinner with your friends or Tim and Jess. Is Grandma Mullen coming by for a drink? Let me know what you want....a new grilling tool? Cards wear? Buffalo Wild Wings gift card?
Well, I won't keep you, but the three of us love you and wish you the best birthday to the best dad and grandpa!
Love,
Kelli
Hey Dad!
Hope you're having a great day! It's so hot down here! Liam and I have pretty much stayed indoors recently. He loves being outside but it's just too hot and with the mosquitoes, it isn't worth it. I can't believe school starts in just a few weeks...I'm really going to miss this time with him. But hopefully, you and mom can visit more since you're retired. Thanks for the advice when he was sick. Sometimes, it just helps my perspective. I know I need to have patience right?! But that's not yours or my strongest attribute. Liam is actually starting to use his left hand for things although I'm not sure that means anything, but thought you'd want another fellow lefty in the house!
I'm not coaching this year and will miss it terribly. I remember your first year not coaching football and how difficult that was. Any advice? Maybe I'll just teach Liam how to throw a ball and run super fast! I'm also losing an hour at my job and insurance! I bet you're glad you're out of education now! I know you say it will get better and to hang in there, but again, where is that patience when you need it!?
It was great seeing everyone last weekend and we'll have to go to another Cards game soon. Our seats are always pretty good but it's the food and beer we know we love. Soon, Liam can go and you can show him the ropes of the stadium and maybe catch him a ball! (remember Wrigley?!).
Do you and mom have any plans for today? I bet you're going to mow the lawn, drink a big glass of iced tea on the deck with Sadie while listening to the radio and maybe go out for dinner with your friends or Tim and Jess. Is Grandma Mullen coming by for a drink? Let me know what you want....a new grilling tool? Cards wear? Buffalo Wild Wings gift card?
Well, I won't keep you, but the three of us love you and wish you the best birthday to the best dad and grandpa!
Love,
Kelli
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Liam - 3-4 months
Well, Liam has grown leaps and bounds these past two months. He has surprised us in many ways (sleeping 10+ hours a few nights, than back to up every 3 hours =(. I swear I will never figure this kid out, which I realize is how kids go...
It's awesome to see his transition from sleeping, eating, repeat, to play time, smiling at us, and finding his hands and feet. He loves chewing on his hands and grabbing at his feet when he can reach them. He's figuring out cause and effect. Like if I touch this thing, it will spin! Amazing! He's also become a bit needy. I'm flattered really that he can only be happy with me in the room, but come on! So, we have started baby wearing and moving his little chair into the kitchen so he can watch me cook or wash dishes. What a boring life I live!
We survived his first cold too! He came down with a runny nose and cough the night Nathan had planned for my big birthday dinner out. We still went but I was worried then entire time. When we got home, we did everything we could....humidifier in his room, elevated his bed, suctioned his nose like crazy and when he woke at 2, we just held him and slept on the couch all night long. It was sort of a sweet moment looking back. Nathan and I were up talking for about an hour after Liam fell back asleep and it was just, nice. I can't really describe it, but I will remember it forever.
His naps are still sporadic and so is his sleeping schedule. What schedule?! I started waking him from his naps b/c I was afraid he was missing a daytime feed and thus, waking up at night. That worked for about a week, and just like everything else, this kid defied books and what other babies do. He will go 2-3 nights of 8+ hours of sleeping, than be up after 6 hours the next night and then 5 the night after that. Without any change to our day or his eating. He is just going to be his own person I suppose. I've asked about every mom friend I have if this is normal, or if I'm doing something wrong and the consensus is that this is normal for a baby! Gosh, I do not want another one...for a long time!
He is definitely a mover and a shaker. Sometimes when I go in his room in the morning, he will be facing the exact opposite way and has worked both fists out of his swaddler and is chewing on them. It's awesome that he doesn't cry every 2 seconds now and he will just chill in his crib for a time. But I'm realizing he's pretty smart. He tried very hard to knock down his blanket off the back of his crib last week (we promptly relocated that one) and he is easily bored with things. He figured out that his jumpy thing does not play music unless you bounce in it which he can barely do but he still tries after it stops. He does not get into "baby talk" and actually looks offended when people speak to him that way. When I really talk to him, he just smiles and coos. He'll even forget to eat b/c he's smiling.
His favorite things: Llama, Llama (we're making it his favorite), chewing on his fists, drooling, bouncing in the jumper, being outside, reaching for toys, car rides
His least favorite things: tummy time (he'll last about 3 minutes before burying his head), not sleeping =), getting changed when he's hungry
**He's ok with baths as in, he tolerates them if the water is warm enough. Maybe once he's able to sit up, he'll be able to splash and enjoy it.
I don't know how much he weighs but my guess would be around 15lbs. He's very long (25+inches). As we are almost at the 4 month mark (on July 24th), I've realized a few things. They aren't brilliant and most moms will be like, "duh," but hey, I've never done this before....
1. It DOES get better
2. And then it gets worse (for example, sleep!)
3. I still have meltdowns and the "can I do this" mentality
4. It is very much the hardest job in the world and don't anyone think it's not
5. I have no idea how I'm going to go back to work
6. His smiles make it all worth it
7. At times, I feel I have failed as a parent, forgetting that he's still figuring out the world
8. I have great friends, sisters-in-laws, and family who give great advice even when I think I'm in this alone
Today, I am a frustrated mommy, sleep-deprived, and broke down crying a few times. I wish he slept through the night. I wish I could find just 3 days a week to run and not have to send him to a sitter during that time. I wish he was an "angel" baby. I wish he could sleep on his tummy at times (fix that flat head =(. But, this too shall pass (and all too quickly it seems) and the Lord's mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3). Tomorrow is a new day and I praise God for every small hurdle we clear. Even if we fall down the next two hurdles.
Hug your kids, friends =)
It's awesome to see his transition from sleeping, eating, repeat, to play time, smiling at us, and finding his hands and feet. He loves chewing on his hands and grabbing at his feet when he can reach them. He's figuring out cause and effect. Like if I touch this thing, it will spin! Amazing! He's also become a bit needy. I'm flattered really that he can only be happy with me in the room, but come on! So, we have started baby wearing and moving his little chair into the kitchen so he can watch me cook or wash dishes. What a boring life I live!
We survived his first cold too! He came down with a runny nose and cough the night Nathan had planned for my big birthday dinner out. We still went but I was worried then entire time. When we got home, we did everything we could....humidifier in his room, elevated his bed, suctioned his nose like crazy and when he woke at 2, we just held him and slept on the couch all night long. It was sort of a sweet moment looking back. Nathan and I were up talking for about an hour after Liam fell back asleep and it was just, nice. I can't really describe it, but I will remember it forever.
His naps are still sporadic and so is his sleeping schedule. What schedule?! I started waking him from his naps b/c I was afraid he was missing a daytime feed and thus, waking up at night. That worked for about a week, and just like everything else, this kid defied books and what other babies do. He will go 2-3 nights of 8+ hours of sleeping, than be up after 6 hours the next night and then 5 the night after that. Without any change to our day or his eating. He is just going to be his own person I suppose. I've asked about every mom friend I have if this is normal, or if I'm doing something wrong and the consensus is that this is normal for a baby! Gosh, I do not want another one...for a long time!
He is definitely a mover and a shaker. Sometimes when I go in his room in the morning, he will be facing the exact opposite way and has worked both fists out of his swaddler and is chewing on them. It's awesome that he doesn't cry every 2 seconds now and he will just chill in his crib for a time. But I'm realizing he's pretty smart. He tried very hard to knock down his blanket off the back of his crib last week (we promptly relocated that one) and he is easily bored with things. He figured out that his jumpy thing does not play music unless you bounce in it which he can barely do but he still tries after it stops. He does not get into "baby talk" and actually looks offended when people speak to him that way. When I really talk to him, he just smiles and coos. He'll even forget to eat b/c he's smiling.
His favorite things: Llama, Llama (we're making it his favorite), chewing on his fists, drooling, bouncing in the jumper, being outside, reaching for toys, car rides
His least favorite things: tummy time (he'll last about 3 minutes before burying his head), not sleeping =), getting changed when he's hungry
**He's ok with baths as in, he tolerates them if the water is warm enough. Maybe once he's able to sit up, he'll be able to splash and enjoy it.
I don't know how much he weighs but my guess would be around 15lbs. He's very long (25+inches). As we are almost at the 4 month mark (on July 24th), I've realized a few things. They aren't brilliant and most moms will be like, "duh," but hey, I've never done this before....
1. It DOES get better
2. And then it gets worse (for example, sleep!)
3. I still have meltdowns and the "can I do this" mentality
4. It is very much the hardest job in the world and don't anyone think it's not
5. I have no idea how I'm going to go back to work
6. His smiles make it all worth it
7. At times, I feel I have failed as a parent, forgetting that he's still figuring out the world
8. I have great friends, sisters-in-laws, and family who give great advice even when I think I'm in this alone
Today, I am a frustrated mommy, sleep-deprived, and broke down crying a few times. I wish he slept through the night. I wish I could find just 3 days a week to run and not have to send him to a sitter during that time. I wish he was an "angel" baby. I wish he could sleep on his tummy at times (fix that flat head =(. But, this too shall pass (and all too quickly it seems) and the Lord's mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3). Tomorrow is a new day and I praise God for every small hurdle we clear. Even if we fall down the next two hurdles.
Hug your kids, friends =)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Truth
This is an impromptu post on things I've been contemplating blogging about for a while. Liam has been with us 2.5 months and boy, did he come without a manual. Here are the things I heard before having him, "Things will change," and "It's going to be hard." Those were great tips albeit nobody really tells you what is up with having a newborn. I mean REALLY tells you. No one can really explain the fact that your baby may cry for hours (and I do mean hours) without a reason. Or that it really isn't fun to be home 24/7 alone when your husband goes back to work. Or that you will question every decision you make with him and still aren't sure if you are doing it for his good or because you don't know what else to do. Nobody really warns you that kids are not that great sometimes. That is TRUTH. Would I have believed them if they did tell me all of this? Probably not, because no one can ever really prepare you for children. I guess moms everywhere are just like me in that you just have to figure it out. I have never questioned so much or feared so much for my child. Giving birth was the easiest part thus far! There's the hormones, screaming, difficulty breastfeeding, doctor visits, vaccines, procedures, blowouts, sickness, sleepless nights for everyone under the roof, fights with your spouse....all for this BABY! How does anyone have 3, 4 kids?!
People also tell you, "don't worry, it gets better." But when exactly?! Here's what I know after 10.5 weeks....Liam is smiling at me every morning. He coos at me and has already rolled over (when did he get so strong?!). He takes regular naps and sleeps 5-6 hours at night which feels like 12 sometimes. And it all just sort of happened 1 week. Yea, yeah, it does get easier. But until you're in it, you don't know.
I have questioned so many decisions like what should we wear outside, is it too hot, is he sick, does he like this, is he scared, why is he sleeping so long, why isn't he sleeping, and the list goes on. How am I going to make it 18+ years!? I can remember my dad still not sleeping at night if I was at a friend's house just down the road as a 21 year old. I never understood. I do now.
My prayer in this time is that I would cherish every smile, snuggle, cry, and tear b/c we are all learning and it does go by so fast. I packaged up his newborn clothes last week and am adding clothes to that pile each day. Why is boy so big already?!
I do have a prayer request if you've made it this far in the post....I would ask for prayer to release me from fear. Fear that something will happen to my baby. Fear that he won't be okay. Fear that I am a terrible parent. The Word says that he did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). THIS is my prayer. That the fear of failure as a parent would not consume me. Do you really want to hear truth.....I lost my dad 4 years ago and I could do nothing to stop it. My fear is that someone else will be taken from me or hurt and I can still do nothing to stop it. I am one bad health report away from having my fears realized and not trusting God again. He and I are on a slippery slope at times b/c my trust in his is dependent on nothing bad happening in my life. That is crazy and I hate to admit it b/c His grace is sufficient for me. But do I really believe that? That is my TRUTH.
Thanks for the prayers and hug your kids tonight in memory of my dad =)
People also tell you, "don't worry, it gets better." But when exactly?! Here's what I know after 10.5 weeks....Liam is smiling at me every morning. He coos at me and has already rolled over (when did he get so strong?!). He takes regular naps and sleeps 5-6 hours at night which feels like 12 sometimes. And it all just sort of happened 1 week. Yea, yeah, it does get easier. But until you're in it, you don't know.
I have questioned so many decisions like what should we wear outside, is it too hot, is he sick, does he like this, is he scared, why is he sleeping so long, why isn't he sleeping, and the list goes on. How am I going to make it 18+ years!? I can remember my dad still not sleeping at night if I was at a friend's house just down the road as a 21 year old. I never understood. I do now.
My prayer in this time is that I would cherish every smile, snuggle, cry, and tear b/c we are all learning and it does go by so fast. I packaged up his newborn clothes last week and am adding clothes to that pile each day. Why is boy so big already?!
I do have a prayer request if you've made it this far in the post....I would ask for prayer to release me from fear. Fear that something will happen to my baby. Fear that he won't be okay. Fear that I am a terrible parent. The Word says that he did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). THIS is my prayer. That the fear of failure as a parent would not consume me. Do you really want to hear truth.....I lost my dad 4 years ago and I could do nothing to stop it. My fear is that someone else will be taken from me or hurt and I can still do nothing to stop it. I am one bad health report away from having my fears realized and not trusting God again. He and I are on a slippery slope at times b/c my trust in his is dependent on nothing bad happening in my life. That is crazy and I hate to admit it b/c His grace is sufficient for me. But do I really believe that? That is my TRUTH.
Thanks for the prayers and hug your kids tonight in memory of my dad =)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Liam - Month 1 and 2
The first two months have been a whirlwind. If you read about his first two weeks, it has definitely gotten better. Liam is growing like mad (10 lbs 9 oz at 1 month!) and growing into his own little person as well. He smiles more, fidgets around, follows the phone when we take pictures, and isn't screaming 24/7! He really doesn't have a routine but he is thriving. His longest stretch of sleep uninterrupted is 5 hours and then the next night it's like 2-3. No figuring this kid out! I started reading The Baby Whisperer and after taking the test in the book, he is definitely the "spirited" baby. It MUST be his idea or there is no coaxing him into it.
I remember just a few days ago, I tried to put him in a newborn onesie and his feet couldn't extend all the way. When did he get so big?! I'm sure every mom feels this way about their baby. It goes by so fast. I'm trying to appreciate all the snuggles, screams, coos, and smiles.
We go on many outings b/c momma needs the fresh air. Places we've been: the mall, Panera, Grandma Cindy's, school, church, playgroup, and to get flowers. He also goes on jogs with me. He loves the car and stroller and is immediately asleep when we go places, which is nice. I can tell when we've been out too long b/c the fuss begins.
When he feeds, he grips his fists and chest as if the milk can't come fast enough. When we burp him, he screams like it's never coming back. Why can't he just reason with us?! =) He still takes forever with the bottle but he's working on it.
He's met all his grandparents and great-grandparents although hasn't met Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Katie, or Uncle Tim, but hopefully he will meet them soon. He loves being held and swayed back and forth. When he goes to sleep, he loves staring at his ceiling fan and light, even when the fan isn't moving.
He will let us know the second he is wet and will not settle til he is changed. Pooping is another story. The other day, it shot out the side! Yikes! I heard the grunting from the other room so I knew what was up, but then little one just chills in it for awhile cooing and all. Um, excuse me, you just pooped your pants!
His first night in the crib was 4/26-4/27 - about 1 month after being born and he did really well. We play the swing nature sounds by his crib. I don't know if it helps, but it makes me feel like it does.
I love, love, love the smiles. When I pick him up in the morning, I say, "Good morning sweetness" or "What are you doing?!" He giggles/smiles at both. During those late night feeds, sometimes I just let him curl up on my chest....those times are the best. He's also quite the snorer which I think he gets from Grandma Cindy. He gets the drooling from me!
I've tried to show him each room in the house, the back yard and we're starting to read to him. Only our favorites though like Llama, Llama and The Bible. It's crazy that he is progressing to almost using toys and his activity mat. I'm almost tearing up putting away newborn diapers and tee shirts. He pretty much holds his own head up as well. This boy is so strong...
Overall, he is doing very well.
Here's what I've learned in the last two months:
1. Everyday is different and the same
2. I love routines and getting everything done in a day and if it doesn't happen, that HAS to be okay...for that day
3. I can get so much done when he sleeps it makes me wonder how I wasted time before he was born
4. My floor DOES NOT need to be vacuumed every day
5. I have learned to eat left handed
6. Babies can bring out the best and worst in you
7. I'm so thankful to have a partner/spouse in this
8. If he didn't like it yesterday, he may like it today
9. It's alright to get peed on and smart to point "it" down in the diaper.
10. I learn something new everyday about myself, Liam and my life
Many people have asked me if he's a "good" baby. My response is always the same, "I don't know, but he's my baby."
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| This is how I sleep...touchdown! |
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| Smiles |
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| Leah helps feed |
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| This is what happens during tummy time |
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| Mother's Day with my boy |
I remember just a few days ago, I tried to put him in a newborn onesie and his feet couldn't extend all the way. When did he get so big?! I'm sure every mom feels this way about their baby. It goes by so fast. I'm trying to appreciate all the snuggles, screams, coos, and smiles.
We go on many outings b/c momma needs the fresh air. Places we've been: the mall, Panera, Grandma Cindy's, school, church, playgroup, and to get flowers. He also goes on jogs with me. He loves the car and stroller and is immediately asleep when we go places, which is nice. I can tell when we've been out too long b/c the fuss begins.  |
| 4 Generations |
He's met all his grandparents and great-grandparents although hasn't met Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Katie, or Uncle Tim, but hopefully he will meet them soon. He loves being held and swayed back and forth. When he goes to sleep, he loves staring at his ceiling fan and light, even when the fan isn't moving.
He will let us know the second he is wet and will not settle til he is changed. Pooping is another story. The other day, it shot out the side! Yikes! I heard the grunting from the other room so I knew what was up, but then little one just chills in it for awhile cooing and all. Um, excuse me, you just pooped your pants!
His first night in the crib was 4/26-4/27 - about 1 month after being born and he did really well. We play the swing nature sounds by his crib. I don't know if it helps, but it makes me feel like it does.
I love, love, love the smiles. When I pick him up in the morning, I say, "Good morning sweetness" or "What are you doing?!" He giggles/smiles at both. During those late night feeds, sometimes I just let him curl up on my chest....those times are the best. He's also quite the snorer which I think he gets from Grandma Cindy. He gets the drooling from me!
I've tried to show him each room in the house, the back yard and we're starting to read to him. Only our favorites though like Llama, Llama and The Bible. It's crazy that he is progressing to almost using toys and his activity mat. I'm almost tearing up putting away newborn diapers and tee shirts. He pretty much holds his own head up as well. This boy is so strong...
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| Lincoln's birthday. All the cousins |
Overall, he is doing very well.
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| His "favorite" stuffed animal |
1. Everyday is different and the same
2. I love routines and getting everything done in a day and if it doesn't happen, that HAS to be okay...for that day
3. I can get so much done when he sleeps it makes me wonder how I wasted time before he was born
4. My floor DOES NOT need to be vacuumed every day
5. I have learned to eat left handed
6. Babies can bring out the best and worst in you
7. I'm so thankful to have a partner/spouse in this
8. If he didn't like it yesterday, he may like it today
9. It's alright to get peed on and smart to point "it" down in the diaper.
10. I learn something new everyday about myself, Liam and my life
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| My family....and Aunt Jessie photo bombing it |
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Liam's Birth Story
This has taken me forever to do...we're at 4 1/2 weeks already but I knew I wanted to document Liam's birth at some point. So here goes...
My official due date was Saturday, March 23rd. 2 weeks before that, our doctor was all, "It could be any day now. You're 3 cm and 90% effaced." Naturally, I went into high gear, wanting him here more than ever. And it seemed like he never ever came. I would literally cry b/c he wasn't here yet. I was sick of being pregnant and sick of the anticipation.
So on Saturday night of the 23rd, I was convinced I was never having this child. I woke up like any other night several times to pee. The first time was around 1:15 with nothing other than a bathroom stop. Then I was up again at 2:30 to pee again. I laid back down but felt "different". I felt what I would only describe as menstrual cramps. They were pretty light but kept coming in waves. I decided to come out to the living room and found my yoga ball in Nathan's studio to bounce on. Between 2 and 3:30 the cramps were pretty steady. Not too painful and bouncing on the ball seemed to help a bunch. I finally woke Nathan up at 3:45. I pretty much knew what was happening but wanted him to get as much rest as possible.
Nathan timed my contractions and they were about 45 seconds a piece and anywhere between 1 and 3 min apart. We called the ER and they got a hold of our doctor who said to go ahead and come in. I texted my mom at 4:30 saying we were going in and to standby. She knew snow was in the forecast so she headed out to beat it. By 5 am, my contractions were getting pretty bad. I would run around the house, packing, putting my contacts in and would run to the ball the second I felt the pain. This went on for a while as Nathan got packed and loaded up the car. I literally had a contraction, then ran to the car b/c I did not want to be in there when another one came. Luckily, we only live 5 min from the hospital. I do not think I could have handled a 20-30 min ride.
When we pulled in, I checked in at ER and they got me in a wheelchair. I told them my name between my heavy breathing. They didn't seem like it was any big deal that I was having a baby. I was thankful for one nurse who told me to slow down my breathing or I would hyperventilate. Nathan parked the car and met us in there. As I was wheeled to the Birthing Center, they wheeled me into room 7....perfection right?! They got me in the gown and hooked me up. Now, I had planned to labor at home, take my time, wear a birthing skirt, have essential oils, play calming music, etc, etc. Needless to say, none of that happened. There simply was no time. And I didn't care at this point either.
When they checked me there I was already at 6 cm. We told the nurses we planned on a natural delivery and they were very supportive. Reminding me the entire time that I could do it. Once I got my gown on, the contractions all moved to my back. I found that bouncing on the ball helped, but really nothing could take away that pain at this point. Nathan was on one side and a nurse on the other, digging their thumbs into my low back whenever I had a contraction. A warm washcloth also helped. Another lady came in to get my blood for our cord blood donation and of course she did it right as a contraction was coming. I had several very severe contractions and they were so close together that I asked if there was any type of mild pain killer I could have that would not affect the baby. They could give me Staydal which is really like a Tylenol but they would need me in the bed to check my cervix to make sure I wasn't past a certain point. I was a 7-8cm and was given a mild dose in my IV. Oh yeah, as I stood up to get into the bed, my water broke. It's just like everyone says, a gush of water that keeps on gushing. Nathan was like, "Yeah, that just kept coming out." Not pretty, but I did not care once again. It's amazing how birth will make you loose all modesty.
While in the bed, I would say that the contractions got mildly better for about 20 min but that was it. The pain was pretty awful by now. I tried all fours, standing, and gripping the side rail and nothing helped. I was breathing very fast and also moaning. I just kept thinking, "This can't last forever." If I could describe contractions, I would say an intense tightening and pressure/pain. It's worse than a menstrual cramp, but it is bearable. I asked for more Staydal and was told no because I was already at an 8. The doctor got there around 8:30 so I knew that the time was getting closer. They iodined my legs up and asked if I felt like pushing. Nope. But was told to start. My mom had been here during the bad contractions but she left when I started pushing. The nurses told me that everytime I felt a contraction coming, I was supposed to grab my shin and pull my legs toward me, bear down, hold my breath and push. I could barely grip my leg b/c I was so sweaty so Nathan and the nurse pushed them towards me. I felt like my head was going to explode when pushing. The nurse told me it would feel like a burning hot mess...terrific.
I'm pretty sure I went to the bathroom while pushing but hey, it happens. Then I felt "the pressure" that everyone talks about. It felt like a really big poop and that's what I thought it was, but they assured me it was the baby. I kept pushing and pushing for what felt like forever. Finally, as the doctor got suited up, I figured it was getting much closer. He told me to relax my face which was nearly impossible to do but I tried. And my breathing was erratic. I screamed several times as I was pushing and one nurse came in to make sure everything was ok. Does she know what floor we're on?! Again, this pain can not last forever....I felt another gush, looked and saw some form of liquid flying everywhere than saw the doctor pull him out. It was finally over! I heard the placenta hurt worse but apparently mine just slid out and I had no more pushing left to do. They placed Liam on my chest and just left us to bond for about an hour before weighing him and measuring him. We already knew he was a big boy though!
When I was showering up an hour later, the nurse helping me asked if I was a runner! She said she often sees athletes and runners with shorter, easier labors. And she and the doctor were so supportive of me when I wanted to give up.
All in all, I'm so thankful God allowed me to deliver the way in which I felt was best. I can't say right now that I won't ever have an epidural, but this is what was right for this baby. I admire all those women who have natural births and are in labor for 10+ hours. And anyone who has had a baby with pain meds or a C-section....really, all women should be applauded for going through any form of labor and birth. I will definitely say I would not have been able to do it naturally if I had a long labor. Liam and I have had some setbacks since birth (breastfeeding, gaining weight, tongue tied) but I feel like this was the best for him as he entered the world, plus Nathan thinks I'm pretty amazing =) And for anyone considering a natural birth, I can definitely recommend it. It is hard, painful, but I will honestly say that hours later, I couldn't remember the pain. I had my baby and that's all I could think about.
My official due date was Saturday, March 23rd. 2 weeks before that, our doctor was all, "It could be any day now. You're 3 cm and 90% effaced." Naturally, I went into high gear, wanting him here more than ever. And it seemed like he never ever came. I would literally cry b/c he wasn't here yet. I was sick of being pregnant and sick of the anticipation.
So on Saturday night of the 23rd, I was convinced I was never having this child. I woke up like any other night several times to pee. The first time was around 1:15 with nothing other than a bathroom stop. Then I was up again at 2:30 to pee again. I laid back down but felt "different". I felt what I would only describe as menstrual cramps. They were pretty light but kept coming in waves. I decided to come out to the living room and found my yoga ball in Nathan's studio to bounce on. Between 2 and 3:30 the cramps were pretty steady. Not too painful and bouncing on the ball seemed to help a bunch. I finally woke Nathan up at 3:45. I pretty much knew what was happening but wanted him to get as much rest as possible.
Nathan timed my contractions and they were about 45 seconds a piece and anywhere between 1 and 3 min apart. We called the ER and they got a hold of our doctor who said to go ahead and come in. I texted my mom at 4:30 saying we were going in and to standby. She knew snow was in the forecast so she headed out to beat it. By 5 am, my contractions were getting pretty bad. I would run around the house, packing, putting my contacts in and would run to the ball the second I felt the pain. This went on for a while as Nathan got packed and loaded up the car. I literally had a contraction, then ran to the car b/c I did not want to be in there when another one came. Luckily, we only live 5 min from the hospital. I do not think I could have handled a 20-30 min ride.
When we pulled in, I checked in at ER and they got me in a wheelchair. I told them my name between my heavy breathing. They didn't seem like it was any big deal that I was having a baby. I was thankful for one nurse who told me to slow down my breathing or I would hyperventilate. Nathan parked the car and met us in there. As I was wheeled to the Birthing Center, they wheeled me into room 7....perfection right?! They got me in the gown and hooked me up. Now, I had planned to labor at home, take my time, wear a birthing skirt, have essential oils, play calming music, etc, etc. Needless to say, none of that happened. There simply was no time. And I didn't care at this point either.
When they checked me there I was already at 6 cm. We told the nurses we planned on a natural delivery and they were very supportive. Reminding me the entire time that I could do it. Once I got my gown on, the contractions all moved to my back. I found that bouncing on the ball helped, but really nothing could take away that pain at this point. Nathan was on one side and a nurse on the other, digging their thumbs into my low back whenever I had a contraction. A warm washcloth also helped. Another lady came in to get my blood for our cord blood donation and of course she did it right as a contraction was coming. I had several very severe contractions and they were so close together that I asked if there was any type of mild pain killer I could have that would not affect the baby. They could give me Staydal which is really like a Tylenol but they would need me in the bed to check my cervix to make sure I wasn't past a certain point. I was a 7-8cm and was given a mild dose in my IV. Oh yeah, as I stood up to get into the bed, my water broke. It's just like everyone says, a gush of water that keeps on gushing. Nathan was like, "Yeah, that just kept coming out." Not pretty, but I did not care once again. It's amazing how birth will make you loose all modesty.
While in the bed, I would say that the contractions got mildly better for about 20 min but that was it. The pain was pretty awful by now. I tried all fours, standing, and gripping the side rail and nothing helped. I was breathing very fast and also moaning. I just kept thinking, "This can't last forever." If I could describe contractions, I would say an intense tightening and pressure/pain. It's worse than a menstrual cramp, but it is bearable. I asked for more Staydal and was told no because I was already at an 8. The doctor got there around 8:30 so I knew that the time was getting closer. They iodined my legs up and asked if I felt like pushing. Nope. But was told to start. My mom had been here during the bad contractions but she left when I started pushing. The nurses told me that everytime I felt a contraction coming, I was supposed to grab my shin and pull my legs toward me, bear down, hold my breath and push. I could barely grip my leg b/c I was so sweaty so Nathan and the nurse pushed them towards me. I felt like my head was going to explode when pushing. The nurse told me it would feel like a burning hot mess...terrific.
I'm pretty sure I went to the bathroom while pushing but hey, it happens. Then I felt "the pressure" that everyone talks about. It felt like a really big poop and that's what I thought it was, but they assured me it was the baby. I kept pushing and pushing for what felt like forever. Finally, as the doctor got suited up, I figured it was getting much closer. He told me to relax my face which was nearly impossible to do but I tried. And my breathing was erratic. I screamed several times as I was pushing and one nurse came in to make sure everything was ok. Does she know what floor we're on?! Again, this pain can not last forever....I felt another gush, looked and saw some form of liquid flying everywhere than saw the doctor pull him out. It was finally over! I heard the placenta hurt worse but apparently mine just slid out and I had no more pushing left to do. They placed Liam on my chest and just left us to bond for about an hour before weighing him and measuring him. We already knew he was a big boy though!
When I was showering up an hour later, the nurse helping me asked if I was a runner! She said she often sees athletes and runners with shorter, easier labors. And she and the doctor were so supportive of me when I wanted to give up.
All in all, I'm so thankful God allowed me to deliver the way in which I felt was best. I can't say right now that I won't ever have an epidural, but this is what was right for this baby. I admire all those women who have natural births and are in labor for 10+ hours. And anyone who has had a baby with pain meds or a C-section....really, all women should be applauded for going through any form of labor and birth. I will definitely say I would not have been able to do it naturally if I had a long labor. Liam and I have had some setbacks since birth (breastfeeding, gaining weight, tongue tied) but I feel like this was the best for him as he entered the world, plus Nathan thinks I'm pretty amazing =) And for anyone considering a natural birth, I can definitely recommend it. It is hard, painful, but I will honestly say that hours later, I couldn't remember the pain. I had my baby and that's all I could think about.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Liam's first 2 weeks
Liam
Week 1 & 2
Liam Phillip Tobin entered our world at 9:21 am on March 24th,
2013 (birth story to come). The first
two weeks have been an absolute blur. I
actually cannot believe we made it this far.
There are so many emotions and hormones going crazy from me through all
this. Let’s start with the first week….
Sunday – Liam was born in a record snow storm in St. Louis. My mom came down and my brother and sister in
law drove down to meet our little man.
Needless to say, it took them over 3 hours to get back home. We adjusted quite well in the hospital. It took him awhile to latch on but eventually
he got it although I wasn’t producing anything at this point. Nathan changed his first diaper ever and we
literally just rested!
Monday – Day 2 in the hospital. Liam woke every 3 or so hours, didn’t cry
much and started to get the latch thing down as my colustrum came in. Our friend Mary came and sat with me in the
hospital while Nathan grabbed a shower at home and cleaned up before we would
arrive Tuesday. Liam got his
circumcision and hearing test taken which Nathan was wanting to see, but all
checked out ok. When he came back, we
had our first moment together as we mourned the loss of his mom and my dad, who
would never know this perfect little man.
It was the first time that the emotions hit me that we had a baby
now. It helped that nurses kept checking
on us and waking us/waking him to eat.
Tuesday – Time to go home!
We waited all day to get to checkout and my mommy really kicked in when
we got him all suited up in the car seat and then had to get him back out (not
his favorite) to get a PKU test done.
Why the nurses didn’t know before then that he hadn’t had it is beyond
me. When the nurse made him bleed and he
screamed, I lost it! How could they be
hurting my boy!? Then, we headed
home. Mom and Jessie were down to help
us get situated and they took off and it was just the 3 of us. He peed on Nathan as soon as they left…of
course! Then, we just laid in bed and
looked at each other…thankful we were here.
Tuesday night was a nightmare though! Liam was up every hour and half “hungry” even
though I had just nursed him. At several
feedings, he just fell asleep in bed with us, which I’m not a huge fan of but
he did none the less. He was still peeing
and having green, seedy diapers at this point.
 | |
| Going home! |
Wednesday – Friday – We had some time to ourselves Wednesday
and again, I was nursing every 3-4 hours as he woke. Jessie came down to help with him and Liam
got his first adjustment on Wednesday!
It was really cool seeing him remain calm through the whole thing. Ryan, Nancy and Lincoln came down Thursday to
finally meet him and helped us with our first bath. Of course, I cried through the whole
thing. I had several meltdowns of “how
was I going to do this alone” once Nathan returned to work. We had had help the entire time…how was I
going to manage?! I was so nervous and
scared. Nancy stayed up with me Thursday
night and her and I were up most of the night, feeding and changing him. Friday came and we finally made it outside to
Target with him. I was running around
like a chicken in that store, hoping he didn’t wake or start screaming. He did wonderful and we got tons of
supplies. Pops also came down to visit
Liam and we got some great pics.
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| First trip to Target |
Saturday – Mom stayed with us after a visit from Tim, Jess
and Leah. He started having fewer poopy
diapers but still pees. At this point,
he was peeing on tons of things…the wall, Nathan, my hand, his outfits, you
name it!
Easter Sunday – I debated about taking him to church so soon
but I really wanted to go. So I nursed
him around 6 and then took off at 7:15 for the first service. He loved the music! Just kept looking around and listening. He perked up when the sermon started so I
went to Nathan’s office and all was well.
He fell asleep and we got a good family pic as friends got to meet him
for the first time.
Week 2 – Here is when it all started going downhill.
Monday – We had our 1 week check up at the Pediatrician’s
office. She said he looked jaundice and
thought his collarbone was broken. So we
were going to be sent to get bloodwork and an X-ray…again, not on our schedule
for the day. And then he was
weighed….only 7 lbs 9 oz. Boy had lost a
ton of weight. If he did not put on
weight by Wednesday, we needed to supplement 1 oz of formula after each
feeding, which I did not want to do. So
we headed out for the lab, they sent us to another lab, then they sent us back
to get the X-ray. I bawled when he got
stuck for the jaundice test which was an 11 and anything over a 20 would
require photo therapy so were good there.
By the time we got the X-ray, it was time to eat again so I fed him
while we waited. My first public nursing
experience! X-ray came back negative for
a fracture which was good.
My in-laws made the long trip from Minnesota to meet Liam
and getting to see them was awesome after my family left. They left Tuesday for South Carolina to see
my sister in law graduate from Boot camp and then would return Saturday.
 | |
| Grandma Janet |
Tuesday – Wednesday – Liam started eating for like 3 hours
straight and was still screaming. I knew
something wasn’t “right” about that.
Everyone kept telling me to just hang in there and let him nurse. He was going through a growth spurt and it
would all even out soon. But call it
instinct or whatever, I knew something wasn’t right. Back to the ped on Wednesday and he still
weighed 7 lbs 9 oz. We went to the
lactation nurse at the hospital and of course, he fed well there and passed out
so we thought, hey, success! She called
our doctors and they agreed to let us go until Friday without supplementing
formula to see if he could gain. We all
headed to get adjusted as a family and came home and had the worst feeding
session ever. I tried feeding him for 3
hours and no success. He was not getting
what he needed and I knew it. So I caved
and gave him formula. Needless to say,
he exploded with poop a few hours later but I was thankful it was moving
through his system. At this point, he
was having fewer wet diapers and almost no poopy ones.
Thursday – I had been talking to many moms and doing my own
research and I was figuring out we needed different professional help. I went to a special lactation specialist on
Thursday and my mom came down for it and we finally got some answers. #1 – Liam was not swallowing correctly and
was actually not getting anything at all.
He was literally just sucking and passing time. And wasting calories. #2 – My breasts are set far apart and the
space between them is sometimes an indicator of having low glandular tissue,
which means I may never be able to produce enough for him. #3 – She suspects he has tongue tied which
inhibits him from using his tongue the right way. He gained no weight after the feeding and
then wouldn’t take a bottle. I was so
worried for him. He seemed like he was
wasting away. Also, he can almost roll
over which is not normal for his age and she recommended something called
cranial sacral therapy which is just light touch massage to help him to learn
how to swallow as well. All I’m seeing
is dollar signs at this point but my baby needs to eat and put on weight. I left there with an idea of a plan for him
and steps to take. I rented a hospital
grade pump from her and have been pumping every 3 hours to up my supply if I
have one at all. A friend of ours was
willing to donate some breastmilk to get us started so I stopped and picked
that up and headed home. Mom and I gave
him a bath as he hadn’t had one in a week (I’m a great mom I know). We then were finally successful in giving him
a bottle and started alternating breastmilk and formula.
Friday – We went back to the pediatrician to get
weighed. At 6 pm at the lactation lady,
he was 7 lbs 8 oz and at 10 am Friday morning, he was up to 7 lbs 15 oz. Boy gained 6 oz overnight! Well, if mommy hadn’t deprived you for a
week?! I felt like the worst mom. Not only had I starved him, I could not provide
for him the way I had envisioned. I made
an appt with a specialist in MO for his tongue tie on Monday afternoon and
cranial sacral therapy on Tuesday. The
tongue tie should help him swallow and latch better but again, it will be over
$500. There is no amount of money I
wouldn’t spend on my child, but it still bothers me that we couldn’t just slip
right into breast feeding. But boy did
Liam start eating. He was getting 2-3 oz
every 2-3 hours and starting to perk up.
We go back Wednesday to get re-weighed so I’m hoping my little plumper
will “plump” back up. He had 2 big poops
Friday at 11 am and around 11 pm which I’m hoping increase. But again, he hasn’t had anything to get out
of him in a week!
Saturday – My in-laws returned and were able to help us
during the day and allow me to get out of the house. It’s weird how everything looks different
now. Shopping feels different. I have no idea what normal is or what I’m
doing, but I’m getting through each day.
Sunday – We made it to church again. I learned to eat with my left hand and shower
with him in the vibrator chair. Nathan
had a bunch of errands so we were alone most of the day, but we still made it
out for a walk/run. I jogged “a
little”…like 10 seconds, which felt awesome, but still don’t want to push
it. I’ve got 5 more pounds before my pre
pregnancy weight but actually, I’d trade 100lbs to be able to breastfeed L.
My emotions have run crazy these past two weeks. They really are a blur. There have been so many “what do we do”
moments. We’ve both cried and Liam has
too =) I have felt such a closeness with
Nathan that it’s been great to do this with him. But he and I have both had our moments when
we didn’t want to do this anymore. Can
we give him back? I didn’t and am still
struggling with the bond with him. I
love him so much, but it’s still so foreign to me to be a mom. I am doubting my confidence and my
ability. And I am angry with God for
making me this way; unable to produce milk for him. I miss that bonding experience already. I’m so overwhelmed by the support I have
received from family, friends, especially those that will just come sit with me
and my mom who has gone above and beyond what any other human could ever do for
me. I’ve also been overwhelmed by
awesome moms who have donated breastmilk to me, because they know the
importance that it has for babies. I
just wish it was my breastmilk for him.
There have been many, many tears these last 2 weeks. Can I do this? Do I want to do this? Does he even feel comfort by me? I don’t want to miss this stage of life, but
I am looking forward to when I can get out for a few minutes each day and get
back to some sort of routine. I do miss
my old life at times. The simplicity of
it all. But God has entrusted us with
this little man and I will do anything for him.
Please pray for us as we are still finding our way and Liam is adjusting
as are we.
Update – We had his tongue tie procedure on Monday and he
was up to 8lbs 4oz =) And I’m sure he
hates the stretches we have to do to get his tongue to heal, but it’s helping
him in the long run. Oh, and that woman
told me if I formula fed, he would get leukemia. Thanks!
At the end of the day, God will not care if formula feed him or if I
breastfeed him. He will care that I
raised him to know Jesus and provided everything I could for him.
And a week after he was 7 lbs 9 oz, he went up to 8 lbs 13
oz. Back to birth weight! Wow, we finally fed the boy =)
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| Too funny |
 |
| First adjustment! |
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| 4 days post baby |
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| 1 week after delivery....5 pounds to go |
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